"Lord, forgive me for I have sinned" this phrase rings in my head if not daily, very often. Some try to rationalize & categorize sin, in my opinion that's a huge waste of time. Sin is sin is sin is sin, just as we say a lie is a lie is a lie. No matter the weight or consequences of it, its all the same. If there is one thing I've learned on my journey to better my relationship with God is that we are not free from sin, no matter what it may be. Sadly I've noticed that people will categorize certain things that they feel as a "sin" just because they have a personal feeling about it but CAN NOT back it up with anything in the bible or they will focus on one type of sin because they feel it is worse than another. Being realistic and truthful is not in some people's nature no matter what your religion is. Some will guide you to destruction if you don't seek to gain the information yourself.
Lately I've been feeling a little heavy about sin as a whole. I sit back and observe people and their actions. My mind is always curious as to what others are thinking. Just as I observe others I observe and critique myself. I don't compare myself to anyone because we all walk this walk differently and for different reasons BUT for the same end result, eternal life with our Father. I am probably my harshest critic when it comes to my actions and if I feel God will be pleased.
My personal feeling and what sometimes makes me angry with myself is that how many times can you asked to be forgiven for the same thing you know God doesn't approve of BUT then I "slap" myself and realize that's why he is God. He is forgiving, he knows our hearts and he knows our every move. He created an example for us to follow in Jesus but knew we could never be him. He gave his son so that we could be. A gift that I am deeply grateful for. I know God has given me numerous chances to find my way to him because he knew where I was supposed to be. I ignored him for some time before I stopped, in a split second he could've taken my life or allowed my quality of life to be hard but just like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were tossed in the blazing furnace and were not harmed, so was I. The only explanation I have for surviving what I did unharmed was because God deemed it so. He saw my purpose even when I didn't. So when I sin it effects me deeply because I feel like I let him down. When you don't enjoy things that are not of God as you used to, that's a clear sign of change. I know those things are not in his plan for me no matter how good they may feel. He will only allow me to enjoy things that are for me when he says they are. Its a challenge at times because our natural selves want, but our spiritual selves are conflicted and battling against it.
Lord, forgive me for I have sinned, I'm honest with myself daily. I do my best to please him, at the end of my day that's my main concern. Recently I broke down because he taught me a valuable lesson. He knew I wasn't strong enough to let something go so he allowed my response to be so overwhelming toward it that that something had no choice but to let me go. As I write this I see the bigger picture and the lesson and I feel less conflicted. I'm happy I have God to lean on because we can't go to everyone with our problems. It had to happen the way that it did. I never question God because he knows what's best for me. I learned the hard way that one has to be "used" in order to help others and help one's self. I ask God daily to use me. When you are chosen, fighting it is a battle, something I would wish on no one.
Some days I feel false or like a hypocrite because I know I do wrong but again I have to "slap" myself because once again I'm being too hard on myself. I'm not perfect, if I was I'd be God and we ALL know there is only 1! I have to remember I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior because it was the best thing for me not because someone told me to. I chose this because I could only have the peace that I have with God. I had to stop trying to get what I wanted from other people. A lot of trials and tribulations to get to this point.
Sin is a part of this life on earth. I'm not saying we have to go along with it but the temptation is always there. The test are always there. We have to fight against it daily and as long as I fight I'm in good shape. The day I give in is the day I should forget about that gift of eternal life with my Father.
I have a sense of peace with the closing of this blog I needed this. I'm not a quitter so I can't give up. I'll just pick myself up and continue walking. I've come too far to stop now. As much as I accepted this life, it chose me. I am so much better for it!
