As I sit here consumed with various thoughts, change has been on my mind a lot lately. When one starts to find themselves, change happens. One day you wake up and think "something has to give". Often times whom you work toward being is the person who's already been inside of you, you've just been too afraid to let them exist and be seen. Now some folks are too busy covering up who they are with who they want others to see them as, impostors or as some call them, fake. They operate on another level of change, they want to be something they are not and work hard at perfecting that person. With change comes truth: good, bad, ugly and sometimes hideous. The success or failure of this journey is how you handle that truth.
When you start on this journey know that you will lose and gain along the way. You can't prepare yourself for it because you don't know what or who will fall into either category. Take it in, evaluate it and let it go. Not everyone is going to see your mission of change as a plus especially if they're gaining off of who you are at the moment in anyway. Some folks will like to keep you stagnant if it’s getting them ahead.
I will fill you in ahead of time this journey won’t be easy BUT if you can survive the ups and downs of it all, its TRULY worth it! You’ll have highs, lows and days you want to give up BUT if you’re focused on the end result what happens in between won’t be an issue.
Whatever your reason to start this journey is yours and yours alone, it’s not for anyone to understand or for them to like.
Personally speaking from my own experience I knew I wasn’t happy with where I was or with many people who I had in my life so I had to make a change. I started slow just letting people eliminate themselves or just distancing myself from them. That only worked for so long. I ignored many things until I was forced to get things on track, it became an issue of sustaining my mental stability over all else. One’s sanity is precious and priceless. I had to stop beating myself up for others shortcomings when it came to what they meant to me and who they were to me. That day I realized I’d had some folks around way too long, dead weight. They were slowly chipping away at who I was and where I was going.They weren’t moving and I was trying to but keeping them in my life was keeping me at a slow pace, loyalty misplaced. Tyrese said it best “Loyalty has an expiration date”. It was until I heard him break it down that I understood what I had been doing for so many years. Being loyal to people who didn't know what it truly meant to be loyal. I trusted people for all the wrong reasons. I called people friends for all the wrong reasons. A lot of my mistakes were because I was a goldfish in a shark tank thinking nothing would happen to me, largely naive. I always thought "why did people do certain things to me when all I was was good to them and did good for them?" Many years and plenty of hard lessons later I figured it out. There was blame on both sides, me for allowing it to happen and them for not knowing how to treat real friendship and some who knew only how to take all they could with giving the least, those are usually selfish people. Jealousy also played a role in the many hard lessons I learned. when folks are jealousy of you they will either bash you endlessly or become your "friend" and break you down from within so they can shine at your expense. I gained a lot of "friends" that way. That's a whole other blog to be written, let me get back on point here.
Change has always been constant for me whether good or bad. I had some times where the change I was going through was doing all the things I knew I shouldn't be doing but it was so easy to do I just kept on. I was DEEP in that area of change for some time. I got tired of it and had burst of good change in between the bad, where I stayed focus on something and went full steam ahead. With change you either go all in or you can easily fall back into what you were doing before. I tried good change but still kept the bad influences around thinking one wouldn't effect the other. The reality of that was an eye opener for me and drastic change later happened. First, I started to change the environment I spent most of my time in. I know its hard for some people who grow up in neighborhoods that are riddled with everything bad and they feel they can't get out, don't believe that.You can make it happen if you honestly want to. I lived in some rough neighborhoods but I worked in the best of neighborhoods. I slept where hearing gunshots was common, addicts were everywhere and death was constant but I worked where celebrities shopped, speaking properly was natural and everyone worked toward progress. I always knew there was opportunity out there and I never let my environment cloud that picture. Playing both sides after some years got to be too much work and I decided to relocate. I wanted a constant pace of progress. I felt like I was drowning in the area I lived in and needed to breathe and have a peace of mind.
Once I made that drastic change boy did the flood gates open to who remained and who quickly disappeared. the process of elimination was in full swing. With my relocation I lost a lot of "friends", I can't really answer for them and why they just "disappeared" but I have my theories. I went from hanging with certain people almost everyday for years to not even a phone call. In the beginning it hurt but ultimately it needed to be done. I was placed on a path and the only way for me to understand it and see it for what it was I had to be put on the outside of it looking in. I had to be isolated in a way that showed me and in many ways forced me to see what I see and know now. Change can be by force or by choice. My change was a mixture of both.
The place I'm in today I know many don't understand and feel I'm something I'm not. To those people I say "you never really knew me", PERIOD! When people don't get your change their first response usually is "you've changed", they say it in a way where its meant as an insult or demeaning. If your change is positive and progressive in a way you're in a better space whether mentally, physically, emotionally and or spiritually that's a wonderful thing and should not be looked down on. My change was a combination of all of the above and till this day its received with mixed reviews from certain people. All I can do is laugh for the most part because a lot of the confusion is because my attention is no longer on them anymore. They no longer have a tie on my time, my mental space or a connection where I put them before me.
I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone or come across as I'm better than anyone because of where I am now. God gets every bit of credit for that. I just finally chose to walk on the path He laid for me. He's been waiting for me for a long time now. I finally made it. There are still hurdles but I jump over them with ease with an occasional stumble but they get far and few between. I just get back up and find a better way to get over them when I do stumble.
Yes, I've changed, major in some ways and minor in others. if I was doing the same things today at 35 that I was doing when I was 18 or 22, I'd want to slap the piss out of myself. I knew a lot at those tender ages but I KNOW a whole lot more. My experiences have been all over the scale and each one has made me who I am today. I used to be mad about my experiences but over time I've learned I'm blessed to have had them because I appreciate where I am now so much more because I am NOT where I was! So when people say I've changed I thank God and chuckle at the naysayers. Many who are mad about my change could not have walked a mile in my shoes and came out how I did. I could have turned into the bitter, angry, scorned, most self destructive person ever because of what I went through and the people I have dealt with BUT I still smile and am lead by love, simply because God made me strong enough to handle it all and I'm proud I didn't let it destroy me. Change is good!
For anyone reading this thinking of taking that journey but scared, I urge you to take small steps. You'll get there TRUST me you will! Don't worry about people trying to discourage you, for many of them that's their job. Don't give them any power over your destiny for greatness! Move forward, lean on God and pray! I'll see you at the finish line!
LMJ~SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™
© 11-25-12
