Monday, October 24, 2011

They Say You've Changed

As I sit here consumed with various thoughts, change has been on my mind a lot lately. When one starts to find themselves, change happens. One day you wake up and think "something has to give". Often times whom you work toward being is the person who's already been inside of you, you've just been too afraid to let them exist and be seen. Now some folks are too busy covering up who they are with who they want others to see them as; impostors. They operate on another level of change. With change comes truth: good, bad, ugly and sometimes hideous. The success or failure of this journey is how you handle that truth.

When you start on this journey know that you will lose and gain along the way. You can't prepare yourself for it because you don't know what or who will fall into either category. Take it in, evaluate it and let it go. Not everyone is going to see your mission as a plus especially if they're gaining off of who you "were" in anyway. Some folks will like to keep you stagnant if it’s getting them ahead.

I will fill you in ahead of time this journey won’t be easy! You’ll have highs, lows and days you want to give up BUT if you’re focused on the end result what happens in between won’t be an issue.

Whatever your reason to start this journey is yours and yours alone, it’s not for anyone to understand or for them to like.

Personally speaking from my own experience I knew I wasn’t happy with where I was and with many people who I had in my life so I had to make a change. I started slow just letting people eliminate themselves or just distancing myself from them. That only worked for so long. I ignored many things until I was forced to get things on track, it became an issue of sustaining my mental stability over all else. One’s sanity is precious and priceless. I had to stop beating myself up for others shortcomings when it came to what they meant to me and who they were to me. That day I realized I’d had some folks around way too long; dead weight. They weren’t moving and I was trying to but keeping them apart of my life was keeping me in a particular place: stagnant, loyalty misplaced. Tyrese said it best “Loyalty has an expiration date”. When I heard him say that I was like BOOM, that's the truth! I was more focused on being a great friend and person to others I didn't focus on them treating our friendship like a one way street.

Those types that always call on you when they need something BUT the minute you need or have an issue, they switch subjects like Nicki Minaj switches voices. They become so dependent on you that they don't know how to be independent when it comes to offering themselves to you, as a true friend. The type who takes advantage of who you are until you realize, damn I don't need this person in my life. I used to be mad at those people but looking back I should've been more mad at myself for letting it go on so long. It wasn't until I moved to another state that I started to see what was really going on with folks. That old saying "out of sight out of mind" rang LOUD in my ear.

Folks will say you've changed when you start the process of "I want better for my life/I need to revise some areas", when they say that, agree and say "you haven't changed a bit". Some will get it and think twice others will get an ego boost, that statement will have gone WAY over their heads!

You'll test your strength level during this time as well. The most beneficial element of this time is learning who you are and what you need. You start to see having one or two great friends is far better than the 30 "friends" you had before.

Embrace change, better you embrace or be forced to do so. Which would you prefer?

Saturday, October 22, 2011


This has been on my mind for a little while now, maybe this past year. I’ve replayed it in my mind multiple times. I’ve gotten tons of opinions on it and at the end of the day NO ONE KNOWS what they would do if this happened to them. Some of you know my car accident story some of you don’t BUT only a select few know what happened before and after. There is no time like now to get it off my chest because most days I can still laugh about it while also seeing the multitude f messages in it. Coming up on the year anniversary October 30th, I felt it fitting to share; maybe you can see why I can still laugh about it.

I’m not normally the type to share my personal life but in this last year I’ve seen how beneficial it is for me as well as others.

It all started on Twitter when someone who was following me made a comment about something I tweeted about wanting Popeye’s Chicken, LMBO @ the memories as I type this. Being sort of new to the whole social networking scene and people connecting on and off of the web, I was always skeptical BUT this person became a person of interest. We connected off of Twitter, realized we were in close proximity to one another and planned to meet. For 30 straight days we “kicked” it via phone conversations and BBM. The chemistry was crazy! We set a date to meet and we were both excited about it. I chose to drive to him because it was easier and I had all the precautions in my mind if the in-person meet was a bust, it would be easier for me to leave than to kick him out if he came to me. Long story short, I arrived, and BOOM that chemistry was on 1000. We had a great time. He was a gentleman. I stayed for a day. It was time for me to go and I was super excited because my mind was already on when I was coming back. Plus I was leaving early enough that I still would have the whole day with my kids when I got home. Well God had other plans in mind for me that day because I didn’t make it home as early as I wanted to. I totaled my car and landed in a ditch, flipped 3 times. I called the person I just left; he was in a training class at work so it took a few calls before he answered. He was not my 1st call. I didn’t expect him to come to my aide; I didn’t expect anything from him. I just simple wanted him to know what happened and that I was ok.

Now in telling a few people afterward there were many opinions such as: he should’ve left his class to come to your aide, why did you drive to him in the 1st place, if he was a man he wouldn’t have let you drive that distance, bah, blah, blah BUT NONE of that mattered because I saw the bigger picture. I believe all things happen for a reason and no matter what I did that day something was going to happen to me, my “wake up” call. That’s just how God works. At that time I was focused on things that I shouldn’t have been. I was so adamant about being in a relationship, which was my main focus. I wasn’t thinking about things I needed to do on a personal level that would fill the void. I was trying to fill the void with a person. A mistake many women make when going through certain stages in life. I was 2+ years into being single and tired of it. Used to being in relationships I thought that would make me happy again. In a way I was settling. Not to take away from the guy because there wasn’t anything wrong with him BUT ironically he was in the same space I was in mentally. Recently divorced he was looking for a relationship as well but didn’t realize he needed to work on himself emotionally just as I needed to. *Every time I start a blog it goes in another direction, LOL*

Now after my car accident I was in pain for weeks, even had to do physical therapy and he constantly checked on me via phone/BBM. I even tried to go see him again but things never panned out. He became distant after awhile and I wend through a slew of emotions because I felt abandoned my many, friends and family included. I still didn’t expect anything from him but I was angry at him. Why, he was the one closest to me at the time. It was like anything we felt before my accident just disappeared afterward. I never looked at it from his point of view. I was going through too much emotionally/physically to care.

Months later he and I had a conversation and he broke down how he felt. He didn’t know how to respond to what had happened. He felt guilty, he felt like he was to blame. Second guessing himself and what he thought was a promising situation turned ugly in 24 hours. He didn’t want me to come visit him again because he thought he was protecting me in some way by me not traveling the distance. Once I heard him out I was no longer angry and understood. I began to think had I not survived that accident and him getting the news all of the emotions he could have gone through. I put myself in his shoes. In that moment I realized men truly do react differently to traumatic situations. If I was him as a woman I would’ve been nurturing but as a woman it’s in our nature to do so. Men often hold in their emotional and act as if nothing happen so they can cope. Granted maybe he could’ve done something different but looking back he did the best he knew how to do considering. How would you react if a person you met for the 1st time gets into a near fatal accident after they leave you? Simple answer, you don’t know until it happens to you.

I am still in contact with this person. We just were talking yesterday and he wanted to know if I hated him. I don’t, never did. We laugh about it now saying, maybe we weren’t meant to go out again. We talk about the coulda, shoulda, woulda’s and still have great chemistry. He understands I see the bigger picture and he was just a small part of it. That day changed me. Fast forward, a year later, I’m in a happy place, knowing my purpose and I’m not looking to fill any voids.

Who knows what will happen between us if anything but I call him friend and he calls me the same.

Its funny what twist life throws at you and how you deal with them makes all of the difference.

Would I do anything differently? NO

Why? Simple answer for that because through that experience I slowly began to put my life together and I knew in that moment God was sending me a warning. My only concern was getting home to my children and not missing God’s complete message for me.

Everyday I’m blessed to wake up.

I learned a lot about my relationship style/myself, why I attract the men I do, why I choose the one to spend time with, how I handle “expectations” of others, who I called “friend”, what I had to change about myself and who and what I had to let go. I was completely humbled by that experience; I was broken down to be restored but clearly NOT broken. I survived it all. I don’t know what one will get from this story but I’m happy I got it off my chest.

Minor yet major tip for all: Often times we miss the pebbles being thrown at us, its not until that boulder gets thrown that we pay attention. The pebbles don’t hurt and/or we have a high tolerance for pain. Don’t dismiss the pebbles because that boulder may be the end all. You may not get another chance.

Thursday, October 20, 2011


One day I closed my eyes just to remember your face
You have become such a memory for me that I struggle with from time to time
Things were different
So much of a connection
I never wanted to let go
Time moved faster and things were cut short
Didn't truly value what we had
We thought we had forever
Our fate was decided
The day someone chose to end your life
I can't get you back
Your memory is what I have left
I worry because it fades sometimes
My heart keeps you always
Not so much my mind


Wednesday, October 12, 2011


Things can NEVER be the same way they used to be between us
Sometimes I look at you in TOTAL DISGUST
For what you put me through
When all was crumbling around me I said "I NEED YOU"
Your response was "I HAVE MY OWN ISSUES"
We were friends above all else
I was there for you when you needed my help
I KNEW things weren't going right with your situation
I asked you to come home
You neglected what we had as if it was nothing which made me feel ALONE
I gave all I had
I gave all I didn't have
I gave all my effort to make us last
The same wasn't given in return
Which in the long run I DID learn
We weren't on the same page
Our goals were different
When you came home you tried to get things to make sense
It was too late things had changed


Sometimes one's absence makes the heart & mind realize what you thought you felt was all wrong. You see what you chose not to see or could not see while they were in your presence.

Monday, October 10, 2011


Everyday you think about it
You want it more and more
You want the feeling, the emotion, the connection
Of that you're sure
BUT sometimes when you want something so bad its doesn't happen when you want it to
So to make it easier you try to trick your mind
Telling yourself NOT to want it, NOT to think about it
STOP hoping
Subconsciously you can't wait for it to happen
All around you its happening for everyone else
You start to look within
You wonder about yourself
Is there something wrong with you?
Is it a mental or a physical thing your body is going through?
Even when you try it STILL doesn't happen
What's wrong?
You keep yourself from crying by laughing
How long can that last?
You get emotional when you see someone experiencing what you want
You smile to prevent your tears
You put up a front
Your heart aches because you don't think you're capable anymore
So you slowly but shortly close that door on any opportunity for it to happen
You stop craving
Stop reacting
You hoped it would happen THIS time because you worked so hard for it
Felt you deserved it
Tried to hold in your disappointment
Couldn't hold back the tears
Gave up
Walked away
Erased it from your mind
Told yourself your heart will be fine
STOP lying to yourself!
You can't deny it!


This is one of those poems where you think you have an idea of what it is about BUT it can be something different  every time you read it.


I know you hurt every time you close your eyes
You weren't there to save him or say your last goodbyes
The sorrow in your eyes makes my heart ache
Why couldn't his life be traded, for they could have taken his place
As much as I wish he was here for your sake
We can't bring him back
And that's the sad reality we face
He's watching over you always
Saying I'm always here for you
I have your back
I know you hurt every time you close your eyes
You think of him and the actions behind his demise
The cruelty and disregard they had for him
Makes you want to get revenge and kill them
You have to release that anger an hurt you have
If you don't, you'll never move on
You'll be stuck in the past
All things happen for a reason
In time you'll understand
At that point you'll release that pain


I wrote this after someone close to me lost the closet person to them. I watched this person mourn wishing there was something more I could do. I was saddened by what they were going through. One day they told me "If not for you I wouldn't have made it through, thank you for being my friend." Those words were all I needed to erase my sadness and if what I did eased his pain I was his blessing & that was all the thanks I needed. You never know how one will be when they lose someone, you don't know how to comfort hem or what to say. There is no rule book but if you are sincere in your efforts just being there is a huge part of their healing process. A friend like that is hard to come by.