Sunday, November 25, 2012


As I sit here consumed with various thoughts, change has been on my mind a lot lately. When one starts to find themselves, change happens. One day you wake up and think "something has to give". Often times whom you work toward being is the person who's already been inside of you, you've just been too afraid to let them exist and be seen. Now some folks are too busy covering up who they are with who they want others to see them as, impostors or as some call them, fake. They operate on another level of change, they want to be something they are not and work hard at perfecting that person. With change comes truth: good, bad, ugly and sometimes hideous. The success or failure of this journey is how you handle that truth.

When you start on this journey know that you will lose and gain along the way. You can't prepare yourself for it because you don't know what or who will fall into either category. Take it in, evaluate it and let it go. Not everyone is going to see your mission of change as a plus especially if they're gaining off of who you are at the moment in anyway. Some folks will like to keep you stagnant if it’s getting them ahead.

I will fill you in ahead of time this journey won’t be easy BUT if you can survive the ups and downs of it all, its TRULY worth it! You’ll have highs, lows and days you want to give up BUT if you’re focused on the end result what happens in between won’t be an issue.

Whatever your reason to start this journey is yours and yours alone, it’s not for anyone to understand or for them to like.

Personally speaking from my own experience I knew I wasn’t happy with where I was or with many people who I had in my life so I had to make a change. I started slow just letting people eliminate themselves or just distancing myself from them. That only worked for so long. I ignored many things until I was forced to get things on track, it became an issue of sustaining my mental stability over all else. One’s sanity is precious and priceless. I had to stop beating myself up for others shortcomings when it came to what they meant to me and who they were to me. That day I realized I’d had some folks around way too long, dead weight. They were slowly chipping away at who I was and where I was going.They weren’t moving and I was trying to but keeping them in my life was keeping me at a slow pace, loyalty misplaced. Tyrese said it best “Loyalty has an expiration date”. It was until I heard him break it down that I understood what I had been doing for so many years. Being loyal to people who didn't know what it truly meant to be loyal. I trusted people for all the wrong reasons. I called people friends for all the wrong reasons. A lot of my mistakes were because I was a goldfish in a shark tank thinking nothing would happen to me, largely naive. I always thought "why did people do certain things to me when all I was was good to them and did good for them?" Many years and plenty of hard lessons later I figured it out. There was blame on both sides, me for allowing it to happen and them for not knowing how to treat real friendship and some who knew only how to take all they could with giving the least, those are usually selfish people. Jealousy also played a role in the many hard lessons I learned. when folks are jealousy of you they will either bash you endlessly or become your "friend" and break you down from within so they can shine at your expense. I gained a lot of "friends" that way. That's a whole other blog to be written, let me get back on point here.

Change has always been constant for me whether good or bad. I had some times where the change I was going through was doing all the things I knew I shouldn't be doing but it was so easy to do I just kept on. I was DEEP in that area of change for some time. I got tired of it and had burst of good change in between the bad, where I stayed focus on something and went full steam ahead. With change you either go all in or you can easily fall back into what you were doing before. I tried good change but still kept the bad influences around thinking one wouldn't effect the other. The reality of that was an eye opener for me and drastic change later happened. First, I started to change the environment I spent most of my time in. I know its hard for some people who grow up in neighborhoods that are riddled with everything bad and they feel they can't get out, don't believe that.You can make it happen if you honestly want to. I lived in some rough neighborhoods but I worked in the best of neighborhoods. I slept where hearing gunshots was common, addicts were everywhere and death was constant but I worked where celebrities shopped, speaking properly was natural and everyone worked toward progress. I always knew there was opportunity out there and I never let my environment cloud that picture. Playing both sides after some years got to be too much work and I decided to relocate. I wanted a constant pace of progress. I felt like I was drowning in the area I lived in and needed to breathe and have a peace of mind.

Once I made that drastic change boy did the flood gates open to who remained and who quickly disappeared. the process of elimination was in full swing. With my relocation I lost a lot of "friends", I can't really answer for them and why they just "disappeared" but I have my theories. I went from hanging with certain people almost everyday for years to not even a phone call. In the beginning it hurt but ultimately it needed to be done. I was placed on a path and the only way for me to understand it and see it for what it was I had to be put on the outside of it looking in. I had to be isolated in a way that showed me and in many ways forced me to see what I see and know now. Change can be by force or by choice. My change was a mixture of both.

The place I'm in today I know many don't understand and feel I'm something I'm not. To those people I say "you never really knew me", PERIOD! When people don't get your change their first response usually is "you've changed", they say it in a way where its meant as an insult or demeaning. If your change is positive and progressive in a way you're in a better space whether mentally, physically, emotionally and or spiritually that's a wonderful thing and should not be looked down on. My change was a combination of all of the above and till this day its received with mixed reviews from certain people. All I can do is laugh for the most part because a lot of the confusion is because my attention is no longer on them anymore. They no longer have a tie on my time, my mental space or a connection where I put them before me.

I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone or come across as I'm better than anyone because of where I am now. God gets every bit of credit for that. I just finally chose to walk on the path He laid for me. He's been waiting for me for a long time now. I finally made it. There are still hurdles but I jump over them with ease with an occasional stumble but they get far and few between. I just get back up and find a better way to get over them when I do stumble.

Yes, I've changed, major in some ways and minor in others. if I was doing the same things today at 35 that I was doing when I was 18 or 22, I'd want to slap the piss out of myself. I knew a lot at those tender ages but I KNOW a whole lot more. My experiences have been all over the scale and each one has made me who I am today. I used to be mad about my experiences but  over time I've learned I'm blessed to have had them because I appreciate where I am now so much more because I am NOT where I was! So when people say I've changed I thank God and chuckle at the naysayers. Many who are mad about my change could not have walked a mile in my shoes and came out how I did. I could have turned into the bitter, angry, scorned, most self destructive person ever because of what I went through and the people I have dealt with BUT I still smile and am lead by love, simply because God made me strong enough to handle it all and I'm proud I didn't let it destroy me. Change is good!

For anyone reading this thinking of taking that journey but scared, I urge you to take small steps. You'll get there TRUST me you will! Don't worry about people trying to discourage you, for many of them that's their job. Don't give them any power over your destiny for greatness! Move forward, lean on God and pray! I'll see you at the finish line!

© 11-25-12

Tuesday, October 2, 2012


I have been following @MySoulOnPaper on Twitter for months now, and I have to say her tweets are very inspiring. Her words are realistic and I totally related to her advice, it has motivated me, and has definitely enlightened me on many levels. I reached out to her because I wanted to know what got her to this point, I wanted to know and share her journey as to better understand this beautiful woman.

Please read, enjoy and support her………..

Where did the name MySoulOnPaper come from?

Many people ask me this question all the time. Years ago when Myspace was big I created it. I wanted a name that described me and something that was personal, I’ve always written so the name describes my writing style….

I put my soul on paper. I write from my heart so the name fit and it stuck ever since.

In 2006 , I moved to Indiana from New York, I was homesick. I wanted to reconnect with my friends. I also used MySpace as an outlet because I was dealing with a lot personally. Like I said I’ve always written but putting it out for “the world” to see was a first for me through MySpace. One social network led to another. By the time I made it to Twitter, I had a BlogSpot; I had my FB fan page all inspired by me being on Twitter. I make so much of my life public because I wish I had someone like me in my corner when I was going through life.

I want to show others especially women where mistakes can be avoided and to let them know I feel their pain because I endured that pain. I put myself out there to help & inspire others.

What is your objective and what are your future plans?

My objective is to create open dialogue with people, so that they feel it’s OK to speak about their tribulations. I grew up in a family of secrets and non-talkers. Expressing yourself was off limits. You know that famous saying “what’s done in this house stays in this house”, well that’s very damaging to many of us as adults.

As black people, many of us are not taught that expressing weakness is good, because we’re strong. We can’t complain because we don’t know pain like those before us. Main reason why people suffer depression and other issues in silence. I saw how that mentally crippled me so I slowly started sharing. In sharing I saw I was helping others.

My objective is to reach as many as I can and do whatever God has for me to do down the line with. I would like to start a mentoring program for women, write a few books and continue to do what God has gifted me with.

Right now I’m in the preparation stage for the platform I will be in according to God’s plan. The short term objective is to continue to share and plant a seed that will blossom in abundance.

What advice do you have for single Christian women, women who may be struggling between the temptations of the world and focusing on a relationship with God?

My main advice will be KEEP PUSHING forward! Don’t let ANYONE distract you from what you know in your heart!

LET the Holy Spirit guide you! SUBMIT to God and your commitment 1000%! If you deeply understand the value of having everlasting life, making decisions in this world become easy, at least for me they do. We’re human and we make mistakes but this life is temporary. Since becoming a Christian I’ve noticed how much people try to interrupt your walk. The manipulation is crazy. My previous experiences in life have helped me see the tricks early on. The devil is always busy and he usually presents himself in things and people you like/love.

As a single Christian woman men prey on you in large numbers. Be careful who you interact with on these social networks as well. Christian women, who are early in their walk in strengthening their relationship with God, be super careful! There are men who see your “immaturity” as an opportunity. Men of God who are not acting in the spirit will try to get you off your walk. You’re thinking you’ve found a good man and their goal is to get you off your mark. If you are strong in your faith and trust your spirit allow it to lead you.

Back to the social networks, there are many men preying on women. Since most of our interactions are on social networks/online dating these days we have to be super careful. They will take information you share and use it against you. DON’T worry about how old you are, how long you’ve been single, your past decisions with men and who you’ve chosen in the past. Trust God and allow him to mold you. Often times if not all the time we as women set ourselves up for failure because we make decisions with our “world” mind vs. with our spiritual mind. Pray, seek guidance from God and pray some more.

What personal information past – present are you willing to share?

Great question, I ask myself this often. I’ve shared some of my story with my battle with major depression, being a single parent, my journey as a Christian woman, temptations and dealing with men BUT there is so much more. I never intended to share certain things that I have shared through Twitter or my FB fan page but something gets sparked in me and the greater good outweighs how I feel about it. The benefits outweigh my wanting to not reveal. At this point I’m open to share about 90% of my past and present. I’m also dealing with a lot that I’m learning about myself so as I deal with it I may share it. Other people’s pain and agony also inspire me to share my life with them so they can see I’ve been where they have and I made it. I try to tell them I can help them get to where I am they just have to not want to give up.

What has the journey been like with maintaining your relationship with God, how do you stay grounded?

This journey has been AMAZING! I’ve learned so much about myself and that has brought me closer to God. Proverbs 22:6 describes me, Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. I grew up with God in my life. I always knew He was real and I always called on him but I allowed the world to rule my life for years. I thought I knew what was best for me. HA!!!! I was so wrong. I had many warnings throughout my life, many which I ignored so I dealt with the consequences BUT God never let me completely destroy myself because He had a purpose for me He was just waiting for me to stop fighting him. Stop looking to people of the world for comfort.

Once I submitted myself and asked him into my life He has given me such peace. I’m still learning daily and He amazes me daily. I stay grounded through fellowship, prayer, going to church and my hunger to allow God to work my life. I fellowship with many people I’ve met through social networks who I KNOW God has placed into my life to keep me on Him. I’m in a wonderful church called The Journey, which is fitting because I’ve been on one and I’m on a bigger one now. I read my bible often, I pray and I thank God daily for his love.

Looking back do you have any regrets or advice for your younger self?

I don’t regret anything because it has led me to this point. I used to ask WHY me all the time. I used to ask what I have done to deal with so much pain and hurt. When I stopped asking why me and why not me I truly understood all I went through was for what I am to do now. I’m OK with where I’ve been because it allows me to embrace where I am going and appreciate it to the fullest. I’ve been blessed in many areas so I know from many of the decisions I’ve made in the past I could be far worse off BUT God knew my heart and never let me go. What would I tell my younger self, that list is too long

BUT one thing I would say is don’t be afraid to do what you know is right no matter how much is against you, don’t let anyone crush your spirit or dreams.

How did you get so many followers and likes on FB – do you think social network has made more of an impact with the message you are trying to get out there?

A lot of my followers on my FB page, The Soul Xperience, are people who know me personally as well as people who were with me on Myspace. Me being me and open to speak the truth and share keep my page growing. Those who follow me on Twitter also relate deeply to what I tweet. I’m not afraid to share what I have because it’s my truth, you can’t judge me or deter me from sharing it because I’ve made peace with it. I believe most want to do what I do but they’re not ready so they follow me to see how & what I do/did to get me to this place.


In closing I’m just one person willing to put herself on the line to help the many. I don’t do it to gain anything, I simply like helping people. Early in my life people took advantage of that BUT now I know how to protect myself from being “abused”. Once I release my entire story people will be like wow, I would’ve never known. I feel obligated to do what I do because so many are selfish and care only about them. I care for people too much to watch them destroy themselves because they feel no one understands them.

I know what it feels like to feel alone, like no one cares, like no one loves you, like why do people hate your or dislike you when all you do is good, like why can’t you find love, why aren’t you where you want to be in life, insecure, depressed, suicidal, wanting to give up, thinking God has abandoned you, etc… The list goes on.

My purpose is so much bigger than me. Sometimes I get in my own way but God finds a way for me to let out what I need to let out because he knows the message will be received. If more Christians talked about their struggles they could reach the unreachable. Christians are not perfect and the more they give off that perception the more this younger generation will ignore God and His purpose. Whatever you want in life you have to sacrifice something for it. Today so many focus on the things in the world that are temporary more than they focus on what they need spiritually. Most don’t understand what they need to truly make them happy. Being a Christian and following God’s commandments are truly easy; all He asks is that you sacrifice something for Him.

Living good and doing what’s right is easy when you stop trying to please the world. In the end the world will not be with you. In 2010 I got what I believed to be my final warning from God; I was in a car accident that many don’t walk away from. In the moment I walked away from my totaled car with 2 scratches I KNEW I had to get right with Him because this was it. Many people afterward couldn’t believe I survived after looking at pictures of my car BUT GOD had a plan for me. I got off the path of his plan years ago but at 33 I got back on it. I haven’t been the perfect Christian BUT I’m so far that going back can’t work for me because I feel uncomfortable. I can’t do what I used to because my spirit wrestles with me, not a good feeling. I don’t like the feeling I get when I disappoint God so it pushes me to stay focused.

I am proof that we make life harder than what it needs to be BUT when you allow God in your life it becomes easier in areas BUT believe and KNOW it is harder in others because now you’ve made the devil mad. He’ll send forces to destroy you now but the deeper you get in God the easier it will be for you to stand strong against any of his attacks! God loves you more than anything or anyone so TRUST he will protect you but you have to let Him and do the work He needs you to do.

Being a Christian isn’t boring as some make it out to be. People say oh you’re a Christian you can’t do this or that. What they don’t understand is that we get enjoyment in a different way. Spiritually we are fulfilled. We don’t need to do things of the world to enjoy life. We can listen to various genres of music, we can party and we can do other things, the difference is we just do them differently. We know not to let those things influence us to do things that are not of God. I listen to rap, Nas is my favorite rapper, I can go to a club and just dance and enjoy being around friends, I can hang around non-Christians BUT I don’t let them influence me. I have control over me. I can’t blame anyone for decisions I make. If you don’t drink, smoke or refrain from sex don’t feel pressure or do those things because others are doing them. They won’t pay for your actions, you will. If you don’t feel strong enough to be in certain situations DON’T test yourself or even tempt yourself. I did that a few times, testing myself to see if I could resist and failed! Just ask God to work on you to overcome. You may be strengthened in some areas and function well but other areas you just have to leave alone all together.

You will notice also people will disconnect from you, distance themselves or even talk about you. People talk about me all the time. Those who knew me in my old life even fellow Christians. Some feel I think I’m better than them because I live my life this way or look down on me because I’m open about my struggles as a Christian or because I don’t rant off scriptures, etc…  I don’t pay them any mind because I’ve experienced God and NO ONE can tell me different. I KNOW what he’s done for me. I’m no more saved or less saved than the next Christian. I don’t judge others walk BUT others will judge mine. I leave the judging to God. DON’T let other Christians distract you either! Some of them continue to look at your old life vs. looking at you now. So what you’re a single mother, so what you haven’t been married, so what you have multiple fathers for your children, etc… God loves you regardless! He’s focused on the reformed you not what you were or what you were doing because He forgave you for your sins, the reason He died on the cross so that you can find your way to His Father through Him!

Some people will never let you live down your mistakes or choices you’ve made in your life, DON’T let them keep you from God! That’s the devil working not God in their lives! Don’t let anyone keep you from God if you want to have a relationship with Him!

Even after answering these questions I feel like I’ve released so much and feel freer for doing so.

I hope I’ve helped someone through sharing. God bless you all!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


Today, November 7th, I'm grateful I can say I'm complete.
I've received one of the best gifts God has given me.
Thanks for speaking what was on your heart and for seeing what God had for us.
In Him we trust.
Stepping up to be the man He knows you are and being the man for me.
I'm also thankful for the wisdom in knowing ONLY God could have sent you.
Also for me not dismissing you and taking that leap of faith WITH you!
I've never been happier and my spirit never at such grand peace than when it comes to us.
My heart smiles everyday when we connect.
As my friend I know you'll always support and guide me.
As my husband you'll always love and take care of me.
As a man of God, you know we'll never fail with Him as the head of our lives.
We go to Him first, together.
I'm proud to be yours and you mine.
We move in faith!
Fear does not live here.
I vow to be your friend and your wife.
I will honor, support, comfort and perfect the position God has given me in your life.
I know love because of you.
From this day forth we are one.

Thankful and blessed for the inspiration I got which created this piece.  


Saturday, September 22, 2012


Counting down the days until I see you
Two become one
Like we're supposed to do
We've been searching for one another
Had no clue what we'd uncover
Both knew it when "it" was discovered
Couldn't deny it if we tried
Pinching ourselves and rubbing our eyes
A dream we both think we're in
Largely because its somewhere we've never been
KNOWING God is showing up and showing out
Removing all fears and any doubt
We can't explain it and even if we told the world they wouldn't understand
Hard to comprehend God's plan
As mere man
I can put all the words on this paper and many would still miss what's there
Its nothing to compare or grade
For this is the day the LORD has made
A union not to be destroyed
For it will bring glory to His kingdom and He will REJOICE
Blocking all those who oppose
And all those who try to duplicate
Without God you can't have this love
So partner up with the devil and hate
he loves the weak
God made us STRONG!

This poem reflects my heart and state of mind. My whole life I've been in search for many things: love, affection, care, understanding, etc... Its not until you allow God in your life and mature in Christ that you understand you can not have any of these things unless you come to God first! It is through Him all things are possible. We go day in and day out thinking we know what's best for ourselves BUT let me tell you, what God has for you, you couldn't even image, dream or even fathom what His greatness consist of!

Since August 24, 2012 my life has been through a series of "test" and I'm extremely proud of myself for passing them and aligning myself with what God needs/wants me to do. For that he's blessed me and continues to do so.
I can ONLY give God the glory for what He has done because He's the ONLY one who could do it, PERIOD!

Like I stated in the poem many will miss what's there, don't worry if that's you, you're not ready yet. For those who fully understand this poem KNOW its so much wrapped into it, I don't even have to tell you because you connect with it.

For the ONE who this poem is for I'm grateful, blessed and thankful the God in me connected with the God in you. Without God we would have never seen one another.

*If you're focused on who the ONE is vs what this WHOLE post is saying, You missed it, pray you catch it if it comes around again*


Monday, September 17, 2012


Went up and down with it
Through tons of stages with it
Cried over it
Laughed about it
Fought for it
Let it go
Never wanted anything else to do with it
Felt it abandoned me
Didn't know I had it in me
Put it ALL out there
Felt it betrayed me
Lied to me
Mislead me
Destroyed me
Took a break from it
Revamped it
Redirected it
Got lost in it
Gave up on it
Told myself lies about it
So I would forget about it
Even when I thought it would never find me again
It showed up
I welcomed it
Although it never left me
I resisted it
For fear I'd repeat the cycle
I didn't want to be consumed by it
Be in it with the wrong pieces
When it came
It was so natural
Took a leap of faith on it
Smiled about it
Rejoiced in it
Thanked God for it
For He made it possible
Still nervous about it
Moving forward like I should in it
Nothing complicating it
Its love
And it searched for me
Connected with me
Decided it needed me
Chose me
I'm still amazed
It was around me always
Couldn't receive it
Until I cleared the way for it
I would've never seen it
Would've never been open to it
Sadly I could've missed out on it
Blessed it stepped up
Grateful I recognized it
Made a decision to focus solely on it
Now it is mine


This poem is dedicated to someone I'm thankful I had enough wisdom to KNOW God made a clear path for me to see! It couldn't have happened any more natural than it did. It is the best feeling of all!

Saturday, July 28, 2012


Every time something tragic happens we want to find a reason as to why. That's human nature. If we know the "why" our brain can understand it & receive it better. In light of the shooting in Aurora, Colorado there are many people trying to find the "why" and many going with the "more common" responses: he's crazy, the Devil is busy, there is no God, and whatever else they can come up with BUT I want to focus on the "he's crazy" part for a minute.

*This is in no way taking away from any of the victims deceased or injured and by NO means giving the individual who created this horrific act any credit. My heart goes out to ALL effected. God is with you as many of our prayers are*

SIT DOWN WITH ME..................

For as far back as any of us can remember the term "crazy" has been used to describe many things good and bad. When people "went crazy" back in the day, they were isolated from the world, thrown away and or killed because no one understood the mind in a way to know how to deal with it. As time went on things evolved and treatment for "the crazy" got better. Medicines were created, doctors became more educated and facilities were built to accommodate their needs. It was a slow process but progress was being made. Most of it trial and error, dealing with the mind is not an exact science and there is no one formula to "fix" all.

When you saw someone who seemed "off their rocker", many just chalked it up to "they have a few screws missing", lots of times they do but more in a chemically imbalance way. Far too often the ailments of the mind are overlooked. Some will say "oh just get over it, you have a choice, you just want to be sad or act like you have no sense", trust me those who deal with any type of mental disorder/illness would give anything NOT to have this type of affliction.

Let's fast forward to today, more and more people are dealing with depression(minor/major/postpartum/etc), bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc... Also more and more people are committing suicide or harming others because of it. The more its happening the less people want to talk about it. Its swept under the rug like that problem one has but acts as if it doesn't exist thinking it will just go away. In reality all that problem does is get worse and worse the more its ignored.

I can't speak for the Aurora shooter BUT I can speak for myself. More of you will relate to this than not.

WALK WITH ME..............................

In August of 2003 I became pregnant again much to my surprise being I just gave birth in May of 2003. I was so not ready or thrilled about pregnancy #3. Three months into my pregnancy I was put on bed rest until I gave birth. My world as I knew it was turned upside down. I had just started a new job which was super fast paced and stressful, I had a toddler at home, a 10 year old and the always on the go independent person I was, was shut down! I literally couldn't stand for 5 mins for fear I would go into labor early or worse, lose my child. I had to depend on everyone. This is when you find out who's really down with you. I didn't like that at all. I felt alone. I didn't know how to respond to the situation I was in. I tried against my doctor's orders to do things, getting upset when I couldn't. My stubborn self couldn't accept my situation. So for 6 months I stayed in bed only going to the doctor. Solely relying on my boyfriend to care for me. I didn't want to have any visitors and I was extremely emotional. Many didn't know I was pregnant, they just assumed I was too busy to be seen. I didn't know what to do because up until that point I didn't know anyone who felt like I did. I just isolated myself more. I thought if no one saw me I could deal with what was happening. Bad choice.

The day I gave birth was as traumatic as the 6 months on bed rest. In the hour and a half I was in the hospital before my daughter was born I almost lost her. I had to have an emergency C-section. In the blink of an eye I was being rolled into the operating room watching the fear in my boyfriend's eyes thinking this isn't looking good.

I made it through surgery, drained. She didn't cry for a few minutes and I was like damn, I was worried but wasn't connecting to the moment. The nurses were quiet and that made me nervous. I stayed in the hospital 6 days because I had a bad reaction to the epidural. They had a therapist, a social worker & a few doctors come talk to me because they thought I was "off my rocker". Like I was imagining the pain I was having. I couldn't move my eyeballs I was in so much pain. It wasn't until the Head Doctor of the anesthesia department came to explain my reaction to the epidural, it happened to 1 in thousands of patients. As you could imagine my response, I just had to be that 1! I was finally given directions to get rid of the pain and medicine to ease it before I was released. They were ready to send me to the padded room had it not been for the anesthesiologist.

Over the course of a year I had a series of incidents that caused a great deal of stress and had me severely overwhelmed. All during this time I just went on like "normal". I just thought I was worn out and the stress of having a newborn & a toddler had me not enjoying being a new mom. It wasn't until a little over a month I thought to ask my doctor about what I was feeling. I was also making a major move and had a few other things going on. I talked to my doctor and he said I had "baby blues" and if it didn't go away in a certain period of time to see my primary doctor. I went on with my days with the expectation, it would get better once I got where I was going and got back into my routine. HA! That didn't work out!

Between 2004-2007 mentally I declined rapidly, thinking I'll "shake it off". I didn't share my feelings with anyone or what I was going through. I was considered the "rock" so I had to press forward and do what I had to do. One night I was driving to work in 2007 and I blacked out. I was just going. I couldn't tell if the lights were green or red I was just going. I chalked it up to me just being tired. It happened again when I had my children in the car, the fear of the unknown got me to share it with my mate. I was terrified because the worst could have happened. I realized I had no emotion about it. I knew something was wrong and something bad could have happened but I couldn't connect to it. My mate dismissed it and said it was all in my head. In the moment I was pissed but he was right, something was wrong with my mental state. I made an appointment the next day. Saw my doctor and was diagnosed with major depression.

She explained to me in a nutshell my body wasn't producing the chemical that regulated my moods which threw off my emotions making me feel numb. She also said my mind and body was shutting down from too much at one time. I had 2 kids 365 days from 1 another, new job, financial issues, relationship issues amongst so much else. She broke down the numerous triggers and more than half of them related to me. I was a level above rock bottom when I saw her. The stress of everything had me feeling death was the only time I'd get peace. God had a different plan. I got help but my biggest trigger of all was the person I was in a relationship with. He was not supportive in my efforts to stabilize myself so that I could function like a normal person. A year after being diagnosed we broke up. In the moment I was sad but in the end it was the best thing that happened to me. He would have literally killed me had he stayed around because my mind was so weak I wasn't thinking rationally. I was GONE, mentally! I gave up on almost everything. Breathing was even hard to do.

Saying all of that to say this NO ONE but my mate knew I was suffering. Had I shared it and got more support I wouldn't have gotten to such a low point. I went to work every day, I put on a smile and pressed forward. I didn't want anyone to think I was "crazy". I had to put on a "face". My mate's reaction was one so many have. They don't understand how a person they think they know can go from being so put together and strong to completely weak, especially when they've seen them bounce back from hard times before. It double crippling because as the one going through the dramatic changes you tell yourself everyday it will get better/its not happening/just press forward largely because you don't want to be judged/you think its not that serious why can't you move passed it.

A person can only take but so much and when the mind has had enough it will shut down on you like a car out of gas! There's but so much you can overcome before you need to "take a time out". Granted some people can go through tragedy after stressful event after tragedy and be fine. There's a whole other reason for that and that's a whole other blog, maybe, LOL.

Looking back I understand my ordeal more. I went through the storm for a reason, one of them was to write this blog.

You never will know or understand what a person will do when they suffer from mental illness. Depending on how bad it is, the medicine they're taking or that they're not taking plays a major role in how a person reacts. A person coming "down" off of their meds can be far more detrimental to themselves and others than when never taking the meds in the first place.

Before I continue, I want to be clear, mental illness is not the sole reason for many tragedies in the world such as mass shootings, there are some folks who just get a kick off of destruction and are pure evil, PERIOD! Just like folks who like drama. Nothing is wrong with them mentally, their spirit is messed up, they just like chaos and creating it is a turn on. I'm NOT speaking of those people. I'm also NOT speaking of the people who choose to stay sad/down because they want sympathy/attention from others. The point of this blog is to bring awareness to mental illness as a whole.

Another thing that makes mental illness so taboo and have people leary of talking about it is because it can happen to anyone at anytime, you can't necessarily stop it because for one the mind is a powerful source. Its also a stigma about people who suffer mental illness like we can prevent it from happening. Check the studies and look at your family make up. Most people who have someone in their family who suffers from mental illness has more than 1 person suffering from that same illness. Some studies say certain mental illnesses are genetic.

There is a code of silence about mental illness, especially in the black community. We don't talk about things that effect us, we don't discuss our family medical history, we go hard with the "whatever happens in this house stays in this house" attitude and we also are masters at covering things up. I have an aunt who had a "nervous breakdown" when I was a child. In modern terms she had a psychiatric break triggered by a traumatic event. Her brain couldn't process it so it shut down. Back then her condition didn't really have a specific label but today she's consider bipolar and schizophrenic. She has suffered one too many tragic events to her already unstable mental state. Yet my family doesn't talk much about it. I was raised in that culture so in dealing with my own issue I followed the same pattern. Silence. I didn't want to continue that cycle. I didn't want my mental illness to control me.

If I didn't write this many would have never thought I suffered from a mental illness. To me its not real at times.

We have to get over the "silence" of talking about mental illness. Its doing more harm than good. Its so not as simple as people think it is. Oh just take some meds and you'll be fine or if you're too far gone just put you in a home and forget about you. Dismissing things never solved any real problems. Neither does acting as if it doesn't exist. More don't know enough about mental illness to understand it. I too was one of those people. It wasn't until I became a patient I learned more.

Some of you who are reading this right now know exactly what I'm talking about. Some of you been there or are there now thinking you're "crazy" or that no one cares about you. They do most just can't understand how or why you're hurting because its not a physical thing they can see or they may have been through something similar to what you've been through thinking "it didn't effect me like that so you shouldn't be so effected". Mental illness effects each one differently. It may take some time for you even still to tell people or talk about it but know that you're not alone. There's still people I haven't discussed it with in my own family or with close friends. Its not that I'm hiding it(obviously since I'm writing about it, LOL) but sometimes things are better dealt with the less people you have adding their 2 cents to it.

Many often hid their affliction with mental illness out of love. You think no one will love you because you're "crazy". You become a pro at being what society deems "normal". You'd be surprised who and how many people are afflicted just as you are. Mental illness shouldn't define you because its not who you are its a condition that you have that can be managed. In the extreme cases you do need to be isolated.

More times than not if you talk things out you can work things out.

Folks will judge because they don't understand but don't worry about them.

Also STOP using the word "crazy", I have to stop it too.

SMILE WITH ME.....................................

You may be wondering how I'm doing today, well, everyday is a process but I'm wonderful. I used to be on meds but I no longer take them. I have a Higher power operating on my behalf, yes God delivered me from major depression. God did is so I don't rely on medicine, which I didn't like taking anyway. He cleared my mind, got rid of a lot I didn't need that was blocking what He had for me. I rely on God to calm me whenever the things around me get a little or a lot wacky. Everyday I work at maintaining my peace. I also don't allow anyone/anything to disrupt it. I'll be damned if I let that happen. In my diagnosis, I also found out I suffered from major depression far longer than I thought but was able to cope because it was only one thing at a time and I often just blocked it out and pushed forward. I was dealing but not resolving anything. Once the load became too much my mind said "Hold up, I didn't sign up for this I'm out!"

My situation may not be as severe as many and my solution my not work for some BUT finding one that works for you is far better than dealing with the turmoil of untreated mental illness!

I shared this because I've come across so many who are suffering who think suicide is the answer or abuse other things trying to black out the pain they really feel. I used to wonder and ask God why me when I was going through. I finally know why. If not me than who? Why not me? God uses us to reach those in ways He knows we can, we often times don't realize it or we fight it but once we accept it lives are changed.

I'm playing my part, accepting my position hoping to save a life.

I pray this helps someone as well as teaches many!


God bless you.

Thursday, July 26, 2012


Remember when you wanted to do something and your parent(s) said no, you may have responded "but all my friends are doing it or going", their response was "if everybody jumped off of a bridge would you do it to?" You'd be mad but they had a valid point. Would you jump if everybody did? I think not! So much today is being done because everyone is doing it. More people are not thinking for themselves and just accepting things "just because". Far too many things are becoming "fades" that shouldn't be. If your parent(s) allowed you to do everything everybody else was doing where would you be? If as parents today we let our kids do everything we see others do where are they going to be? *I'll wait* Let go of not wanting to hurt people's feelings or not seem "open minded" or like the "uncool" person. NOT everything should be tolerated same as not everything should be accepted. If we accepted black on black crime we can't complain about how many funerals we attend. If we accepted teenage pregnancy we can't complain about how many HS dropouts there are or how many of them end up on welfare. If we accepted drug and alcohol abuse then we can't complain about the crime rate jumping or the rise in HIV/AIDS #'s. If we accepted mistresses/side chicks then we can't complain about the behaviors that they carry on with(ex: Joseline). If we accepted some behaviors of men and women then we can't complain about the break up/down of families. The list goes on and on. Its not about being judgmental its about understanding if we accept certain things that everyone feels is ok because a majority/"everyone" is doing it than we have 2 understand what else we are accepting and allowing into the dynamics of the world. Just because its being done doesn't mean its right & that we should accept it. Think about it. This in no means targets any1 person or group. I respect every1 as a person but that doesn't mean I accept/condone what you do & vice versa. Many may be offended by what I'm writing, I could easily say I don't care if you are BUT what I will say is, you can choose to be offended if you want to, that's your prerogative BUT that in no ways changes my thought/opinion.

Society wants to "accept" certain things because its good business or because some celebrity says its cool. The minute ONE person says they disagree they are deemed the "bad guy", *blank stare*. Its cool to accept everything & anything BUT wrong 2 express ur disagreement with it!!!!! "Where they do that at?" In my opinion that's making a lot of people too damn sensitive. Its cool to agree with all that's wrong but the minute someone expresses they think its wrong, the masses go crazy, politicians stepping in where its not their place, churches stepping in where its not their place, confusing more folks than helping. Everything isn't black and white but there are many things that are. Deal with that, its reality! Folks get a lot of flack because they don't condone/accept gay marriage/women in high offices or in the workplace/homosexuality/a particular races/immigrants in America/a black man as president or _________(fill in the blanks), that's their choice not 2 accept those things. You can't tell a person what to accept and not accept. You also can't bash them because they feel a way about something that you feel differently about. What you can comment on is how their message is relayed. I don't condone hate in any form or fashion but I do respect people's opinions, whether I like them or not, it's their opinion, PERIOD. I don't want/expect people to agree with me all the time, that's boring. Things don't change/get better in many cases if everybody agrees, especially depending on what's being agreed on. People are going to be who they are and say what they want for whatever reason(s) they are/choose. That's life BUT don't feel you have to be quiet about it because you may offend someone. If Malcolm X/MLK Jr./Jesus or any other leader kept quiet because they were worried about offending people where would we be without the great things that came out of them being the voice for a people? *I'll wait* There is a way to relay your opinion without offending anyone BUT realistically someone will be offended, simple reason, YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE. *I don't operate in the people pleasing business anyway*

For those on the side of dislike(those who don't care for people voicing their opinions against or about what they are doing) don't abuse your position so that you deem others haters/racist/simple minded/judgmental because they don't accept/condone what you do, that's their choice and it doesn't make you right or them wrong. Its make you two people that don't agree. Granted some operate in hate with their opinions BUT everyone doesn't hate you or what you do, they don't agree with it, BIG DIFFERENCE! You can't have it both ways. None of those things may be true about a person but in order to make yourself look right you have to make them look bad, NOW who's the simple minded/judgmental one? I'm just saying. I don't agree with a lot going on in this world BUT I won't back down from my feelings/opinions because someone's feelings are going to be hurt, such is life! Deal with it. Last time I check we all had a freedom of speech/freedom 2 think how we wish/freedom 2 follow those thoughts & whatever our belief.

*Think about it*


Wednesday, July 25, 2012


For awhile now this has been on my mind and my heart to write, you can say I'm writing this out of aggravation or that I'm venting but either way it needs to be released. Most of all I hope someone gets something from this because I KNOW I'm not the only one who feels this way! Before I even begin I know many I share this with won't read it or look at it and say "dang that's long" BUT that's ok, because the one(s) who need it will read it and find what they need in it.

Sadly it comes with the territory.

I've always been a believer in Jesus Christ, grew up in the church and like many, the world seemed like much more fun. I was into the world extremely deep. I've done a lot and been through "hell and back" a few times. I thought I was all too happy even after hitting a "brick wall" one too many times. I'd just fine something in the world to make me feel better and all would "go away".

Thought I had ALL the answer!

Like most when we get to a certain age parents either loosen/tighten the reigns to allow to/prevent us from the "grow up" stage or things in their own life take the focus off of what they have instilled so deeply into us in our early years. No matter what the situation God becomes less of the focus. Often times it isn't until our adult years we return back to the foundation of whence we came. We notice all that time and energy we spent embedded in the world has gotten us so off track from what's truly important we crave God like no other. Sometimes it takes a traumatic experience or multiple experiences to make you realize what you've been doing just ain't cutting it or you're done fighting against what God has been trying to tell you. Whatever leads you back to God doesn't necessarily matter the meat and potatoes of me writing this is what happens for many once you get back to God.

When you make your decision to either re-commit or commit yourself to your faith its usually NOT something you announce to everyone. Its something that usually just happens and most times you're just as surprised as the next person when you take the first steps in the right direction. Everyone's moment is different. Sometimes it happens at church sometimes it happens in the privacy of your own home.

Once you get on the road to start your journey with God, the immediate doubters/distractions come out in full force like you are doing something wrong. This part of the journey may be the hardest for some because one may question is it really worth it. All types of things go through your mind.

There's so much to deal with, your friends think its a phase, family isn't taking you seriously and even some fellow believers aren't buying your transformation for whatever their reasons, but you are completely sold out to the journey you decided best worked for you.

When I re-committed myself many who were deep in the world with me were like whatever. Some who could relate were happy for me. Some didn't want to hear anything I had to say about how good I felt that I was back with my Father. I felt the negative energy from people who I "assumed" would support me like I did something personally wrong to them. In the beginning I was mad/annoyed but slowly as those who didn't add to my life disappeared I began to understand a lot more. When some people see you overcome they get jealous/envious, they'll try to tear you down by trying to isolate you, talk bad about you or simply disregard any good you do like it means nothing. Deep down inside they are either so in bed with the Devil nothing you do or say will change their heart or they are mad because they are not as strong as you therefore they feel they can't do what you did. It bothered me a lot in the beginning. It made me feel more isolated than when I was in the world doing whatever I felt like doing. Those who I hung with didn't push me to do better they were doing whatever they could to pull me in deeper. The deeper into the world I was they benefited. When I re-committed to God many of them lost their "meal ticket." So I became a target.

I dealt with slander, people trying to challenge my character, bringing up my past making it seem like I was too far gone to change. Even the man I had children with tried to turn people against me. As much as I could've been the old me and went at them all full force, I sat back and waited.

Over time I got over a lot of people real quick. My feelings were no longer hurt but I was disappointed. In the beginning I kept a lot about my walk with God to myself BUT that happiness is hard to contain. In turn God placed some very wonderful people in my life to give me the outlet I needed to walk stronger in my faith and purpose.

I've been called quite a few names mocking my journey and it used to piss me the heck off. It took me some time but now I just go silent(kills the conversation quickly because fools know not what they speak they just like to hear themselves), I pray & talk myself out of cursing them out. Every day is a work in progress.

I would often ask myself and at times others, I'm saved, so why are you mad? Rarely would I get an answer but their actions said a lot. Most of the men who were mad were mad because they couldn't fulfill their fleshy desires, so in turn some felt it was their job to either remix the Bible to have me conform to their ways or try to tell me the reasons they felt they were all I was going to get so I should take this opportunity before someone else gets it *blank stare*. Many of the women were mad because they wanted my happiness but weren't willing to sacrifice the nonsense in their lives to get it. They'd look at me and see a woman always smiling and positive but wonder "can God really have her that happy?" SURE CAN! I looked for happiness and peace for years in all the wrong places so I know I'm not missing a thing that's in the world.

You know what always gets me through, my "I'm not here to please you" attitude. God has always covered me, through my worst times and my best times so how can I NOT be sold out to Him. How can I NOT share with others what He's done for me. When none of my so called friends was there God was.

You may still wonder why are they mad? Well for one they can't compete with something/someone they don't know about and the fear of the unknown has them beat. Those who bash you for being saved only deal with what is of the earth/what they can see, where as you deal with the spirit. You understand this life is temporary and your goal is to live right so that when Jesus returns or you pass on before you KNOW you're going to be in the Kingdom of heaven with Him.

You would think living right wouldn't be so hard or looked down on BUT there will always be folks mad they can't be you or do what you do. They'd rather spend more time bringing you down, causing you harm, creating drama, telling lies about or to you vs doing exactly what you did to get where you are. Life is not a cake walk! Its as hard or easy as we make it.

Look at it like this Jesus built you strong for a reason, He knew all you'd go through once you chose life with Him and He told you He'd be with you the whole way. Knowing that He'll handle your enemies as long as you stay faithful and obedient is a win win!

God favors you!

If Jesus could sacrifice Himself for you, there shouldn't be anything you would do for Him, so stay focused and encouraged. No matter how many times you fall God is waiting with open arms for your return.

(That isn't an open invitation to be borderline sold out to Jesus, because He knows when you come to Him will a false heart. He will deal with you. TRUST you don't want that!)

Next time someone has something to say ask them, why are you mad that I am saved? *wait for it*, tell them you'll keep them in prayer.

Then walk away.

In conclusion, if this describes you in anyway, being the person on the journey with God, DON'T get discouraged and NEVER let them get to you. There is NOTHING wrong with being sold out to Jesus! You made a choice for you NOT for them!


Saturday, April 21, 2012


Closed eyes
Visualizing the darkness
You see nothing
It matches how and what you feel
Mind so distorted
In Pain
You don't know how to climb out of this deep hole
Mind scrambled
Body holding you hostage
The least you can do is free your soul
Screams so loud yet silent
Suffering so deep yet invisible
Thoughts so horrific yet disguised
Escape is all you want
Silence is your peace
Freedom is your desire
Keeps you here!
Closed eyes
Visualizing happiness
You see it
Fight for it
Let go of the sadness
Stops you from walking into the abyss
Its not that gloomy
You're not useless
The end seems easy
Staying is too much
Grabs hold of you
Feel it
Embrace it
Receive it
SOMETHING is the reason you need to live
NOTHING is worth your life

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you've thought about it or even attempted it think about this for a few minutes, WHY AM I HERE? In that moment find something that makes you smile, no matter how small and focus on it!!!!!!! That's the reason you haven't succeeded with suicide, you're mind is not all consumed with horrific thoughts. That light in your darkness wants you to fight! No matter what you're going through or who you feel has abandoned you there is something or someone who will be completely crushed you're not here! Ask yourself another question, have I done all I could to help myself? Keeping how you feel a secret deprives others from helping you. How can you say no one cares about you if you don't tell them what's going on with you? If you never share what's going on with people who love you how do you know they don't care? Committing suicide is a selfish act!

When those days are dark they are dark. When you feel hopeless and worthless its so severe you can't put it into words to share it with someone. I'll tell you something even if you give a few words such as "Help Me" someone will. You may have to say it to more than one person but someone will help you. Don't ever feel like you don't want to be a burden. You're not, you have issues that you can't handle or control and you need help. That NOTHING feeling is temporary! The more you wallow in it the deeper it feels. You are LOVED and there's SOMETHING you need to be here for. Don't suffer in silence.

I wrote this piece because it is very personal to me. Give yourself a chance to overcome, you owe yourself that much. You were put here for a reason! That reason is NOT so you can end it in your time, its so you can live in the time you are given. You have purpose, TRUST ME! I can give you 10 reasons for staying here:
1. God loves you
2. I love you
3. You have work to do
4. Your testimony will help someone
5. You have a purpose
6. Darkness disappears in the light
7. You're a part of the solution NOT the problem
8. You don't want to be a memory you want to create memories
9. You smiled today after reading #2
10. You're sitting there thinking about if you did smile. I want to know your answer, I'm not letting you off the hook until I get it. *taps foot waiting*

You are NOT at your end
Your are at the beginning of a new journey called, I'M LIVING LIFE
NOT LIVING my fears or sadness!

If you are going through and feel like I don't understand, these are just words and I don't know how you feel, I was you, I AM YOU! I made it! You


Friday, March 16, 2012

Heart Ready, Mind Unsteady

You feel it
You want it
But so confused about it
Its something we all crave
And daydream about
Planning and plotting of what's to be
Still unclear
Huge uncertainty
When you find THE ONE you think
Such astronomical possibilities
Sometimes so focused on the what
Not letting things just be
Lingers in places you allow it
Turning sunny days into thunderous showers
Before you know it you've convinced yourself to abandon ship
Leave it alone
You're not emotionally equipped
Willing to stay in your comfort zone
Its familiar territory
No matter how hard you try
What tactics you use
The heart beats
Continuously for and because of love
It completes your existence
Illuminates your presence
Dominates your mental
Trying to get you to surrender
You can only fight it but for so long
Its the partner you've been waiting for
The one you smile for
The one you push forward for
The one who you receive entirely
The one gives your heart purpose
No doubt
No fear
Nothing is impossible


Saturday, February 11, 2012


"Lord, forgive me for I have sinned" this phrase rings in my head if not daily, very often. Some try to rationalize & categorize sin, in my opinion that's a huge waste of time. Sin is sin is sin is sin, just as we say a lie is a lie is a lie. No matter the weight or consequences of it, its all the same. If there is one thing I've learned on my journey to better my relationship with God is that we are not free from sin, no matter what it may be. Sadly I've noticed that people will categorize certain things that they feel as a "sin" just because they have a personal feeling about it but CAN NOT back it up with anything in the bible or they will focus on one type of sin because they feel it is worse than another. Being realistic and truthful is not in some people's nature no matter what your religion is. Some will guide you to destruction if you don't seek to gain the information yourself.

Lately I've been feeling a little heavy about sin as a whole. I sit back and observe people and their actions. My mind is always curious as to what others are thinking. Just as I observe others I observe and critique myself. I don't compare myself to anyone because we all walk this walk differently and for different reasons BUT for the same end result, eternal life with our Father. I am probably my harshest critic when it comes to my actions and if I feel God will be pleased.

My personal feeling and what sometimes makes me angry with myself is that how many times can you asked to be forgiven for the same thing you know God doesn't approve of BUT then I "slap" myself and realize that's why he is God. He is forgiving, he knows our hearts and he knows our every move. He created an example for us to follow in Jesus but knew we could never be him. He gave his son so that we could be. A gift that I am deeply grateful for. I know God has given me numerous chances to find my way to him because he knew where I was supposed to be. I ignored him for some time before I stopped, in a split second he could've taken my life or allowed my quality of life to be hard but just like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were tossed in the blazing furnace and were not harmed, so was I. The only explanation I have for surviving what I did unharmed was because God deemed it so. He saw my purpose even when I didn't. So when I sin it effects me deeply because I feel like I let him down. When you don't enjoy things that are not of God as you used to, that's a clear sign of change. I know those things are not in his plan for me no matter how good they may feel. He will only allow me to enjoy things that are for me when he says they are. Its a challenge at times because our natural selves want, but our spiritual selves are conflicted and battling against it.

Lord, forgive me for I have sinned, I'm honest with myself daily. I do my best to please him, at the end of my day that's my main concern. Recently I broke down because he taught me a valuable lesson. He knew I wasn't strong enough to let something go so he allowed my response to be so overwhelming toward it that that something had no choice but to let me go. As I write this I see the bigger picture and the lesson and I feel less conflicted. I'm happy I have God to lean on because we can't go to everyone with our problems. It had to happen the way that it did. I never question God because he knows what's best for me. I learned the hard way that one has to be "used" in order to help others and help one's self. I ask God daily to use me. When you are chosen, fighting it is a battle, something I would wish on no one.

Some days I feel false or like a hypocrite because I know I do wrong but again I have to "slap" myself because once again I'm being too hard on myself. I'm not perfect, if I was I'd be God and we ALL know there is only 1! I have to remember I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior because it was the best thing for me not because someone told me to. I chose this because I could only have the peace that I have with God. I had to stop trying to get what I wanted from other people. A lot of trials and tribulations to get to this point.

Sin is a part of this life on earth. I'm not saying we have to go along with it but the temptation is always there. The test are always there. We have to fight against it daily and as long as I fight I'm in good shape. The day I give in is the day I should forget about that gift of eternal life with my Father.
I have a sense of peace with the closing of this blog I needed this. I'm not a quitter so I can't give up. I'll just pick myself up and continue walking. I've come too far to stop now. As much as I accepted this life, it chose me. I am so much better for it!