Saturday, July 28, 2012


Every time something tragic happens we want to find a reason as to why. That's human nature. If we know the "why" our brain can understand it & receive it better. In light of the shooting in Aurora, Colorado there are many people trying to find the "why" and many going with the "more common" responses: he's crazy, the Devil is busy, there is no God, and whatever else they can come up with BUT I want to focus on the "he's crazy" part for a minute.

*This is in no way taking away from any of the victims deceased or injured and by NO means giving the individual who created this horrific act any credit. My heart goes out to ALL effected. God is with you as many of our prayers are*

SIT DOWN WITH ME..................

For as far back as any of us can remember the term "crazy" has been used to describe many things good and bad. When people "went crazy" back in the day, they were isolated from the world, thrown away and or killed because no one understood the mind in a way to know how to deal with it. As time went on things evolved and treatment for "the crazy" got better. Medicines were created, doctors became more educated and facilities were built to accommodate their needs. It was a slow process but progress was being made. Most of it trial and error, dealing with the mind is not an exact science and there is no one formula to "fix" all.

When you saw someone who seemed "off their rocker", many just chalked it up to "they have a few screws missing", lots of times they do but more in a chemically imbalance way. Far too often the ailments of the mind are overlooked. Some will say "oh just get over it, you have a choice, you just want to be sad or act like you have no sense", trust me those who deal with any type of mental disorder/illness would give anything NOT to have this type of affliction.

Let's fast forward to today, more and more people are dealing with depression(minor/major/postpartum/etc), bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc... Also more and more people are committing suicide or harming others because of it. The more its happening the less people want to talk about it. Its swept under the rug like that problem one has but acts as if it doesn't exist thinking it will just go away. In reality all that problem does is get worse and worse the more its ignored.

I can't speak for the Aurora shooter BUT I can speak for myself. More of you will relate to this than not.

WALK WITH ME..............................

In August of 2003 I became pregnant again much to my surprise being I just gave birth in May of 2003. I was so not ready or thrilled about pregnancy #3. Three months into my pregnancy I was put on bed rest until I gave birth. My world as I knew it was turned upside down. I had just started a new job which was super fast paced and stressful, I had a toddler at home, a 10 year old and the always on the go independent person I was, was shut down! I literally couldn't stand for 5 mins for fear I would go into labor early or worse, lose my child. I had to depend on everyone. This is when you find out who's really down with you. I didn't like that at all. I felt alone. I didn't know how to respond to the situation I was in. I tried against my doctor's orders to do things, getting upset when I couldn't. My stubborn self couldn't accept my situation. So for 6 months I stayed in bed only going to the doctor. Solely relying on my boyfriend to care for me. I didn't want to have any visitors and I was extremely emotional. Many didn't know I was pregnant, they just assumed I was too busy to be seen. I didn't know what to do because up until that point I didn't know anyone who felt like I did. I just isolated myself more. I thought if no one saw me I could deal with what was happening. Bad choice.

The day I gave birth was as traumatic as the 6 months on bed rest. In the hour and a half I was in the hospital before my daughter was born I almost lost her. I had to have an emergency C-section. In the blink of an eye I was being rolled into the operating room watching the fear in my boyfriend's eyes thinking this isn't looking good.

I made it through surgery, drained. She didn't cry for a few minutes and I was like damn, I was worried but wasn't connecting to the moment. The nurses were quiet and that made me nervous. I stayed in the hospital 6 days because I had a bad reaction to the epidural. They had a therapist, a social worker & a few doctors come talk to me because they thought I was "off my rocker". Like I was imagining the pain I was having. I couldn't move my eyeballs I was in so much pain. It wasn't until the Head Doctor of the anesthesia department came to explain my reaction to the epidural, it happened to 1 in thousands of patients. As you could imagine my response, I just had to be that 1! I was finally given directions to get rid of the pain and medicine to ease it before I was released. They were ready to send me to the padded room had it not been for the anesthesiologist.

Over the course of a year I had a series of incidents that caused a great deal of stress and had me severely overwhelmed. All during this time I just went on like "normal". I just thought I was worn out and the stress of having a newborn & a toddler had me not enjoying being a new mom. It wasn't until a little over a month I thought to ask my doctor about what I was feeling. I was also making a major move and had a few other things going on. I talked to my doctor and he said I had "baby blues" and if it didn't go away in a certain period of time to see my primary doctor. I went on with my days with the expectation, it would get better once I got where I was going and got back into my routine. HA! That didn't work out!

Between 2004-2007 mentally I declined rapidly, thinking I'll "shake it off". I didn't share my feelings with anyone or what I was going through. I was considered the "rock" so I had to press forward and do what I had to do. One night I was driving to work in 2007 and I blacked out. I was just going. I couldn't tell if the lights were green or red I was just going. I chalked it up to me just being tired. It happened again when I had my children in the car, the fear of the unknown got me to share it with my mate. I was terrified because the worst could have happened. I realized I had no emotion about it. I knew something was wrong and something bad could have happened but I couldn't connect to it. My mate dismissed it and said it was all in my head. In the moment I was pissed but he was right, something was wrong with my mental state. I made an appointment the next day. Saw my doctor and was diagnosed with major depression.

She explained to me in a nutshell my body wasn't producing the chemical that regulated my moods which threw off my emotions making me feel numb. She also said my mind and body was shutting down from too much at one time. I had 2 kids 365 days from 1 another, new job, financial issues, relationship issues amongst so much else. She broke down the numerous triggers and more than half of them related to me. I was a level above rock bottom when I saw her. The stress of everything had me feeling death was the only time I'd get peace. God had a different plan. I got help but my biggest trigger of all was the person I was in a relationship with. He was not supportive in my efforts to stabilize myself so that I could function like a normal person. A year after being diagnosed we broke up. In the moment I was sad but in the end it was the best thing that happened to me. He would have literally killed me had he stayed around because my mind was so weak I wasn't thinking rationally. I was GONE, mentally! I gave up on almost everything. Breathing was even hard to do.

Saying all of that to say this NO ONE but my mate knew I was suffering. Had I shared it and got more support I wouldn't have gotten to such a low point. I went to work every day, I put on a smile and pressed forward. I didn't want anyone to think I was "crazy". I had to put on a "face". My mate's reaction was one so many have. They don't understand how a person they think they know can go from being so put together and strong to completely weak, especially when they've seen them bounce back from hard times before. It double crippling because as the one going through the dramatic changes you tell yourself everyday it will get better/its not happening/just press forward largely because you don't want to be judged/you think its not that serious why can't you move passed it.

A person can only take but so much and when the mind has had enough it will shut down on you like a car out of gas! There's but so much you can overcome before you need to "take a time out". Granted some people can go through tragedy after stressful event after tragedy and be fine. There's a whole other reason for that and that's a whole other blog, maybe, LOL.

Looking back I understand my ordeal more. I went through the storm for a reason, one of them was to write this blog.

You never will know or understand what a person will do when they suffer from mental illness. Depending on how bad it is, the medicine they're taking or that they're not taking plays a major role in how a person reacts. A person coming "down" off of their meds can be far more detrimental to themselves and others than when never taking the meds in the first place.

Before I continue, I want to be clear, mental illness is not the sole reason for many tragedies in the world such as mass shootings, there are some folks who just get a kick off of destruction and are pure evil, PERIOD! Just like folks who like drama. Nothing is wrong with them mentally, their spirit is messed up, they just like chaos and creating it is a turn on. I'm NOT speaking of those people. I'm also NOT speaking of the people who choose to stay sad/down because they want sympathy/attention from others. The point of this blog is to bring awareness to mental illness as a whole.

Another thing that makes mental illness so taboo and have people leary of talking about it is because it can happen to anyone at anytime, you can't necessarily stop it because for one the mind is a powerful source. Its also a stigma about people who suffer mental illness like we can prevent it from happening. Check the studies and look at your family make up. Most people who have someone in their family who suffers from mental illness has more than 1 person suffering from that same illness. Some studies say certain mental illnesses are genetic.

There is a code of silence about mental illness, especially in the black community. We don't talk about things that effect us, we don't discuss our family medical history, we go hard with the "whatever happens in this house stays in this house" attitude and we also are masters at covering things up. I have an aunt who had a "nervous breakdown" when I was a child. In modern terms she had a psychiatric break triggered by a traumatic event. Her brain couldn't process it so it shut down. Back then her condition didn't really have a specific label but today she's consider bipolar and schizophrenic. She has suffered one too many tragic events to her already unstable mental state. Yet my family doesn't talk much about it. I was raised in that culture so in dealing with my own issue I followed the same pattern. Silence. I didn't want to continue that cycle. I didn't want my mental illness to control me.

If I didn't write this many would have never thought I suffered from a mental illness. To me its not real at times.

We have to get over the "silence" of talking about mental illness. Its doing more harm than good. Its so not as simple as people think it is. Oh just take some meds and you'll be fine or if you're too far gone just put you in a home and forget about you. Dismissing things never solved any real problems. Neither does acting as if it doesn't exist. More don't know enough about mental illness to understand it. I too was one of those people. It wasn't until I became a patient I learned more.

Some of you who are reading this right now know exactly what I'm talking about. Some of you been there or are there now thinking you're "crazy" or that no one cares about you. They do most just can't understand how or why you're hurting because its not a physical thing they can see or they may have been through something similar to what you've been through thinking "it didn't effect me like that so you shouldn't be so effected". Mental illness effects each one differently. It may take some time for you even still to tell people or talk about it but know that you're not alone. There's still people I haven't discussed it with in my own family or with close friends. Its not that I'm hiding it(obviously since I'm writing about it, LOL) but sometimes things are better dealt with the less people you have adding their 2 cents to it.

Many often hid their affliction with mental illness out of love. You think no one will love you because you're "crazy". You become a pro at being what society deems "normal". You'd be surprised who and how many people are afflicted just as you are. Mental illness shouldn't define you because its not who you are its a condition that you have that can be managed. In the extreme cases you do need to be isolated.

More times than not if you talk things out you can work things out.

Folks will judge because they don't understand but don't worry about them.

Also STOP using the word "crazy", I have to stop it too.

SMILE WITH ME.....................................

You may be wondering how I'm doing today, well, everyday is a process but I'm wonderful. I used to be on meds but I no longer take them. I have a Higher power operating on my behalf, yes God delivered me from major depression. God did is so I don't rely on medicine, which I didn't like taking anyway. He cleared my mind, got rid of a lot I didn't need that was blocking what He had for me. I rely on God to calm me whenever the things around me get a little or a lot wacky. Everyday I work at maintaining my peace. I also don't allow anyone/anything to disrupt it. I'll be damned if I let that happen. In my diagnosis, I also found out I suffered from major depression far longer than I thought but was able to cope because it was only one thing at a time and I often just blocked it out and pushed forward. I was dealing but not resolving anything. Once the load became too much my mind said "Hold up, I didn't sign up for this I'm out!"

My situation may not be as severe as many and my solution my not work for some BUT finding one that works for you is far better than dealing with the turmoil of untreated mental illness!

I shared this because I've come across so many who are suffering who think suicide is the answer or abuse other things trying to black out the pain they really feel. I used to wonder and ask God why me when I was going through. I finally know why. If not me than who? Why not me? God uses us to reach those in ways He knows we can, we often times don't realize it or we fight it but once we accept it lives are changed.

I'm playing my part, accepting my position hoping to save a life.

I pray this helps someone as well as teaches many!


God bless you.

Thursday, July 26, 2012


Remember when you wanted to do something and your parent(s) said no, you may have responded "but all my friends are doing it or going", their response was "if everybody jumped off of a bridge would you do it to?" You'd be mad but they had a valid point. Would you jump if everybody did? I think not! So much today is being done because everyone is doing it. More people are not thinking for themselves and just accepting things "just because". Far too many things are becoming "fades" that shouldn't be. If your parent(s) allowed you to do everything everybody else was doing where would you be? If as parents today we let our kids do everything we see others do where are they going to be? *I'll wait* Let go of not wanting to hurt people's feelings or not seem "open minded" or like the "uncool" person. NOT everything should be tolerated same as not everything should be accepted. If we accepted black on black crime we can't complain about how many funerals we attend. If we accepted teenage pregnancy we can't complain about how many HS dropouts there are or how many of them end up on welfare. If we accepted drug and alcohol abuse then we can't complain about the crime rate jumping or the rise in HIV/AIDS #'s. If we accepted mistresses/side chicks then we can't complain about the behaviors that they carry on with(ex: Joseline). If we accepted some behaviors of men and women then we can't complain about the break up/down of families. The list goes on and on. Its not about being judgmental its about understanding if we accept certain things that everyone feels is ok because a majority/"everyone" is doing it than we have 2 understand what else we are accepting and allowing into the dynamics of the world. Just because its being done doesn't mean its right & that we should accept it. Think about it. This in no means targets any1 person or group. I respect every1 as a person but that doesn't mean I accept/condone what you do & vice versa. Many may be offended by what I'm writing, I could easily say I don't care if you are BUT what I will say is, you can choose to be offended if you want to, that's your prerogative BUT that in no ways changes my thought/opinion.

Society wants to "accept" certain things because its good business or because some celebrity says its cool. The minute ONE person says they disagree they are deemed the "bad guy", *blank stare*. Its cool to accept everything & anything BUT wrong 2 express ur disagreement with it!!!!! "Where they do that at?" In my opinion that's making a lot of people too damn sensitive. Its cool to agree with all that's wrong but the minute someone expresses they think its wrong, the masses go crazy, politicians stepping in where its not their place, churches stepping in where its not their place, confusing more folks than helping. Everything isn't black and white but there are many things that are. Deal with that, its reality! Folks get a lot of flack because they don't condone/accept gay marriage/women in high offices or in the workplace/homosexuality/a particular races/immigrants in America/a black man as president or _________(fill in the blanks), that's their choice not 2 accept those things. You can't tell a person what to accept and not accept. You also can't bash them because they feel a way about something that you feel differently about. What you can comment on is how their message is relayed. I don't condone hate in any form or fashion but I do respect people's opinions, whether I like them or not, it's their opinion, PERIOD. I don't want/expect people to agree with me all the time, that's boring. Things don't change/get better in many cases if everybody agrees, especially depending on what's being agreed on. People are going to be who they are and say what they want for whatever reason(s) they are/choose. That's life BUT don't feel you have to be quiet about it because you may offend someone. If Malcolm X/MLK Jr./Jesus or any other leader kept quiet because they were worried about offending people where would we be without the great things that came out of them being the voice for a people? *I'll wait* There is a way to relay your opinion without offending anyone BUT realistically someone will be offended, simple reason, YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE. *I don't operate in the people pleasing business anyway*

For those on the side of dislike(those who don't care for people voicing their opinions against or about what they are doing) don't abuse your position so that you deem others haters/racist/simple minded/judgmental because they don't accept/condone what you do, that's their choice and it doesn't make you right or them wrong. Its make you two people that don't agree. Granted some operate in hate with their opinions BUT everyone doesn't hate you or what you do, they don't agree with it, BIG DIFFERENCE! You can't have it both ways. None of those things may be true about a person but in order to make yourself look right you have to make them look bad, NOW who's the simple minded/judgmental one? I'm just saying. I don't agree with a lot going on in this world BUT I won't back down from my feelings/opinions because someone's feelings are going to be hurt, such is life! Deal with it. Last time I check we all had a freedom of speech/freedom 2 think how we wish/freedom 2 follow those thoughts & whatever our belief.

*Think about it*


Wednesday, July 25, 2012


For awhile now this has been on my mind and my heart to write, you can say I'm writing this out of aggravation or that I'm venting but either way it needs to be released. Most of all I hope someone gets something from this because I KNOW I'm not the only one who feels this way! Before I even begin I know many I share this with won't read it or look at it and say "dang that's long" BUT that's ok, because the one(s) who need it will read it and find what they need in it.

Sadly it comes with the territory.

I've always been a believer in Jesus Christ, grew up in the church and like many, the world seemed like much more fun. I was into the world extremely deep. I've done a lot and been through "hell and back" a few times. I thought I was all too happy even after hitting a "brick wall" one too many times. I'd just fine something in the world to make me feel better and all would "go away".

Thought I had ALL the answer!

Like most when we get to a certain age parents either loosen/tighten the reigns to allow to/prevent us from the "grow up" stage or things in their own life take the focus off of what they have instilled so deeply into us in our early years. No matter what the situation God becomes less of the focus. Often times it isn't until our adult years we return back to the foundation of whence we came. We notice all that time and energy we spent embedded in the world has gotten us so off track from what's truly important we crave God like no other. Sometimes it takes a traumatic experience or multiple experiences to make you realize what you've been doing just ain't cutting it or you're done fighting against what God has been trying to tell you. Whatever leads you back to God doesn't necessarily matter the meat and potatoes of me writing this is what happens for many once you get back to God.

When you make your decision to either re-commit or commit yourself to your faith its usually NOT something you announce to everyone. Its something that usually just happens and most times you're just as surprised as the next person when you take the first steps in the right direction. Everyone's moment is different. Sometimes it happens at church sometimes it happens in the privacy of your own home.

Once you get on the road to start your journey with God, the immediate doubters/distractions come out in full force like you are doing something wrong. This part of the journey may be the hardest for some because one may question is it really worth it. All types of things go through your mind.

There's so much to deal with, your friends think its a phase, family isn't taking you seriously and even some fellow believers aren't buying your transformation for whatever their reasons, but you are completely sold out to the journey you decided best worked for you.

When I re-committed myself many who were deep in the world with me were like whatever. Some who could relate were happy for me. Some didn't want to hear anything I had to say about how good I felt that I was back with my Father. I felt the negative energy from people who I "assumed" would support me like I did something personally wrong to them. In the beginning I was mad/annoyed but slowly as those who didn't add to my life disappeared I began to understand a lot more. When some people see you overcome they get jealous/envious, they'll try to tear you down by trying to isolate you, talk bad about you or simply disregard any good you do like it means nothing. Deep down inside they are either so in bed with the Devil nothing you do or say will change their heart or they are mad because they are not as strong as you therefore they feel they can't do what you did. It bothered me a lot in the beginning. It made me feel more isolated than when I was in the world doing whatever I felt like doing. Those who I hung with didn't push me to do better they were doing whatever they could to pull me in deeper. The deeper into the world I was they benefited. When I re-committed to God many of them lost their "meal ticket." So I became a target.

I dealt with slander, people trying to challenge my character, bringing up my past making it seem like I was too far gone to change. Even the man I had children with tried to turn people against me. As much as I could've been the old me and went at them all full force, I sat back and waited.

Over time I got over a lot of people real quick. My feelings were no longer hurt but I was disappointed. In the beginning I kept a lot about my walk with God to myself BUT that happiness is hard to contain. In turn God placed some very wonderful people in my life to give me the outlet I needed to walk stronger in my faith and purpose.

I've been called quite a few names mocking my journey and it used to piss me the heck off. It took me some time but now I just go silent(kills the conversation quickly because fools know not what they speak they just like to hear themselves), I pray & talk myself out of cursing them out. Every day is a work in progress.

I would often ask myself and at times others, I'm saved, so why are you mad? Rarely would I get an answer but their actions said a lot. Most of the men who were mad were mad because they couldn't fulfill their fleshy desires, so in turn some felt it was their job to either remix the Bible to have me conform to their ways or try to tell me the reasons they felt they were all I was going to get so I should take this opportunity before someone else gets it *blank stare*. Many of the women were mad because they wanted my happiness but weren't willing to sacrifice the nonsense in their lives to get it. They'd look at me and see a woman always smiling and positive but wonder "can God really have her that happy?" SURE CAN! I looked for happiness and peace for years in all the wrong places so I know I'm not missing a thing that's in the world.

You know what always gets me through, my "I'm not here to please you" attitude. God has always covered me, through my worst times and my best times so how can I NOT be sold out to Him. How can I NOT share with others what He's done for me. When none of my so called friends was there God was.

You may still wonder why are they mad? Well for one they can't compete with something/someone they don't know about and the fear of the unknown has them beat. Those who bash you for being saved only deal with what is of the earth/what they can see, where as you deal with the spirit. You understand this life is temporary and your goal is to live right so that when Jesus returns or you pass on before you KNOW you're going to be in the Kingdom of heaven with Him.

You would think living right wouldn't be so hard or looked down on BUT there will always be folks mad they can't be you or do what you do. They'd rather spend more time bringing you down, causing you harm, creating drama, telling lies about or to you vs doing exactly what you did to get where you are. Life is not a cake walk! Its as hard or easy as we make it.

Look at it like this Jesus built you strong for a reason, He knew all you'd go through once you chose life with Him and He told you He'd be with you the whole way. Knowing that He'll handle your enemies as long as you stay faithful and obedient is a win win!

God favors you!

If Jesus could sacrifice Himself for you, there shouldn't be anything you would do for Him, so stay focused and encouraged. No matter how many times you fall God is waiting with open arms for your return.

(That isn't an open invitation to be borderline sold out to Jesus, because He knows when you come to Him will a false heart. He will deal with you. TRUST you don't want that!)

Next time someone has something to say ask them, why are you mad that I am saved? *wait for it*, tell them you'll keep them in prayer.

Then walk away.

In conclusion, if this describes you in anyway, being the person on the journey with God, DON'T get discouraged and NEVER let them get to you. There is NOTHING wrong with being sold out to Jesus! You made a choice for you NOT for them!