Friday, July 30, 2010


This is a very personal blog for me as I've been tested or rather the shades have been taken off so I can see the light. We go through life saying words and not truly knowing the meaning of such words till we are tested or questioned or things come into question. I'm creating this blog as a point of closure for me and possibly a lesson for someone reading. In this last year I have gone through some crazy things all relating to the word "friend", so to the point it turned me off from the word. I stopped using it. A few who I thought were my friends started changing on me for some reason, its also possible I was changing as well. Another possiblity is they were never my friend in the first place we just clicked over something and took it from there. All in all a lesson was learned. My character is to isolate myself until I figure out what's happening, think with a clear mind and then make my move. I started to question was I a good/great friend to these few who I felt were starting to get on shaky grounds with me. It bothered me for some time. The doubt and questions. I always know that in time things will reveal themselves as they should. If I consider myself yourfriend nothing will come between that! No man, No naysayers, or any judgment! I see you for you and accept you for you and all I ask is for the same in return, LOYALTY! I started to see these few lacked in that department. Of all we'd been through I was always there any time of the day for any of their problems or just for them to vent. I'm a great listener. When it became time for my crisis or to vent I'd get silence or a change of the subject, which made me feel that whatever I was saying didn't matter, yet I still allowed these few to stay in my life! Until one day all was revealed, guilt makes people do the strangest things. A person will disassociate themselves from you in order to not admit to that guilt if they don't feel they are truly wrong or feel its not that major a deal. In the end that guilt still lies there. When you know you've given your all to someone as a friend and know you did nothing for them to change their tone against you, you have to cut them off. In the end its the best. I lost a friendship early on for something so stupid to me but apparently that person felt so guilty they cut me off. Instead of talking to me they rather distance themselves. At first I was hurt but later looked at it as a lesson learned. They were never truly my friend in the first place I was just one who understood all they were going through and I would listen. Purpose fulfilled.

I later started to see the other "snakes" in the grass and started to pay attention. Oprah said something on her show years ago and it always stuck with me, (I'm paraphrasing) You will keep repeating mistakes until you learn from them. She also said God will keep showing you signs until you listen then you will no longer bump into that brick wall. Its a message that always stuck with me but I didn't use it when I should have. It wasn't until the final friendship lost that I was at full attention. He kept showing me the unnecessary people in my life and that I needed to eliminate them but my heart is big and my gift is helping others. I was on the border line. There comes a time when you realize you can only do but so much as a person that you have to realize you need to walk away for your sake and survival. I chose me!!

This last friendship lost was so devastating it physically hurt, I lost focus, I questioned everything and cried oceans. Of all I lost I never thought this friendship would be one of them. I sometimes would feel no one cared and people always wanted something from me. I was at a point I had nothing left to give. I was empty. For years I'd given up what I wanted to do for love or for others. I put more into others than I put into myself. Its still a battle as I care for people and empathize with them but above all I know now I come first. Losing this friendship as painful as it was, was a release from all I held onto. I could not move forward if I didn't let go. Oddly strangers helped me through. They gave me the support and kind words I needed to make me see I have a purpose I can NOT lay down and stop living. It has restored my hope that I am still the great friend I have always been and I have opportunities to make lasting friendships with people who see me for me and accept me for me, LOYALTY.

My purpose for this blog is to show you to be aware of the people in your life and their purpose in it. Being a friend is a heavy title to hold. It is a partnership like any other. One can not give more than the other and things remain "balanced". I've lost those friendships because they prevented me from seeing the other opportunities that lie ahead.


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