Monday, August 23, 2010

My Personal Journey: Learning How to Embrace Love

My encounters with LOVE have been very diverse, all of which have shaped who I am today, very experienced in knowing what I don’t want when dealing with LOVE. I’ve always been the type to LOVE extremely hard. I’d give my all and be pissed when I wasn’t matched in return. At times I accepted what I was given being the understanding person I am and seeing why said person couldn’t give me what I so wanted. Simple, they didn’t know how. I’ve had my experience with LOVE a few times in life, various levels of LOVE depending on my age.

We’ve all had that “puppy LOVE”, my first experience with that was at 10/11 yrs old. My first boyfriend Brian, we had no real idea what we were doing but we knew we were “together” and so happy with what we had. We had a favorite song and everything. That was short lived as I moved away and I’ll never forget the day I left¸ he sat on the rock on our block so sad because I was leaving. My next shot was at 14, I met a 17 year old named Vaughn, he hounded me so, had all of his friends tell me he liked me. I just ignored him until he wore me down. He taught me a lot, lessons I still use till this day. He was the first who wanted to “take care” of me but at that age I didn’t understand what that truly meant until years later. He was the first who always wanted to protect me and look out for my best interest. At 21 I met a guy named Fred, the first time I saw him I knew he was the one. Up until this point I was shy, not sure

of myself, I had low self esteem and I was extremely quiet. He was the first guy I ever approached. I had a feeling and I went with it. The best 2 years of my life, he was everything I wasn’t used to and more. He proposed a year and a half into us dating, I could not have been more happy. I was a single mother who found a man who loved me and embraced my child as his own. Sadly he had a selfish way about him that made me withdraw, I wasn’t as expressive as I am now and had a hard time communicating my feelings. I eventually did the unthinkable and cheated. We always say we have no regrets but, I so regret that mistake. Although it was a turning point in my life and how I looked at relationships till this day I wish I could change that. He was the one; I was just not ready for him. After that I felt I didn’t deserve love. I felt like something was wrong with me, why did I mess that up. In turn I entered in a relationship of “comfort” with Omar. I felt since I didn’t deserve love Omar was my punishment, weird but a whole other story! I tried to make up what I lost but no matter how hard I tried it didn’t work. I was addicted to trying, I figured if I gave my all 100% I’d get what I lost, with Omar. This would never happen as we both used each other. Then a tragic twist of fate brought my next challenge with LOVE into my life, Shakiem.

This is where my story takes on a whole other life, what started out as a friend helping another friend grew into a love that was so powerful it took on a life of its own. This relationship consumed every fiber in my body. Everything “felt” right. There were many signs not to move forward but the fact we were friends I put down my guard 100%. We were two books we’d both read thoroughly so nothing was ever hidden. I trusted he would never hurt me and I had no intention of hurting him. I put his needs before mine, I took on all his baggage as my own and I loved him deeply. I’d never felt this way before but him being my friend first made me feel safe. I wanted to grow old with him, have children and forever be happy. Like Bobby Brown, every little step I took was for us. I ate, slept and breathed loving him. I lost myself slowly and I began living for him. I never expected him to ever do wrong by me, but 4 years in I lost myself completely I had forgotten who I was, what I liked, what I wanted to do and what my purpose was. I’d never asked him for anything but to love me. A mistake in the end I paid for. He was so accustomed to me “doing” when I needed his support he didn’t know how to give it. He had a selfish streak I battled constantly (a pattern as you can see if you didn’t catch it). In the end we parted ways because I had no more fight in me to love him and he wanted out. We remained friends but he was all I knew at this point that I still tried to work things out. I still “LOVED” him because he became who I was. He still “loved” me but he used my feelings for him as leverage to keep me around. I didn’t know anything else. After about a year and a half being separated I gave up on us getting back together. It was a harsh reality but I had to move on for my sanity. When I was at the point I was emotionally done with him, he comes and says all the things I’d waited to hear. I fell back in line like a soldier. Shortly after he disposed of me like I never meant a thing. He no longer needed me because he found a replacement he had no obligations to. It was CRUSHING because I still felt he was my friend but in that moment he killed that friendship forever.

This created a fear I am working on getting over, I never want to love anyone more than I loved myself, but I’ve always been the giver of love receiving the minimum to maintain that I don’t truly know how to embrace love. It’s a fear that has caused panic attacks when someone expresses any deep emotion towards me. Looking back I needed him to kill whatever was left because that’s the only way I was going to be free. Don’t get me wrong it hurt like hell! I cried, I asked why, I asked what did I do to deserve such pain, I wanted to feel nothing, I laid in bed many a day lifeless and I wanted to just give up. Through a few great people I am proud to call my friends they helped me and still do. They helped me remain calm and see the full picture in HD.

I needed to go through this pain as much as it hurts it needed to be done. Now my journey of embracing love has to be learned. I’ve never wanted to be the type to let a previous relationship or man hinder me from embracing love or seeing and accepting a good man for who he is until I missed an opportunity to possibly love again. It was clear as day in my face but I did everything to fight it because I feared a broken heart. Fear is so crippling. Fear will cause you to miss and block your blessings! I know I’m not perfect and I’m a lot to deal with but I know I am a good woman, I just don’t and didn’t understand my worth. I’m still working on that because when you’ve been through all I’ve been through you don’t think someone sees you as the diamond you are. I’ve lost some of my spark with my last relationship so my confidence is off. I lost the OLD me but I’m slowly finding out the NEW me was always there I just didn’t know my true worth. My journey made me who I am but my future steps will define who I am to be.

As I share my story many of you will understand me better, many of you will feel free to say I’ve been there or I am there now and if she can still hold her head up so can I and there will be a few who are still doubtful but trust in time the light bulb will turn on for you and you will breathe with ease.

Trust my journey is still in the early stages as it’s only been a month since my breakthrough, I have my days but the possibility to fall in love truly gives me pleasure but ultimately I have to stand on my own and allow him to come find me. The hardest task I think is how I will know when he is here. All I can do is pray I don’t miss “him” again!


1 comment:

  1. Nice blog! In reading this, it's like you were speaking words from my heart. I could not have said it better myself but still reluctant to write about my heartaches for it being so painful to go down that particular "memory lane." One day I may do so but I won't rush the process. With that said, I applaud you for your strength. It takes just that to love & trust again.

    What you went through (especially with Shakiem) was to the "T" of my last relationship. He was my first love. We were together for 5 yrs, I broke it off and did not speak to him for almost 3 yrs but we wound up back in each other's live again. First he wanted me oh so bad, then he wasn't sure, then it was I don't want to be in a relationship but I love you & want to be friends.

    In the end I was emotionally exhausted and tired of him shutting me out whenever things got to close for comfort. It's like he wanted to give his heart but was always too afraid. I resented that b/c he had mine 100% but I wanted it back after getting nowhere with him. It hurt me way more to have him in my life than out. so I walked.

    He's broken a lot of hearts and I was a fool to think I would be an exception. It hurts but I know I did the right thing and feeling stronger with each passing day.