SUICIDE

Closed eyes
Visualizing the darkness
You see nothing
It matches how and what you feel
NOTHING
Mind so distorted
Lost
Confused
In Pain
Hopeless
NOTHING
You don't know how to climb out of this deep hole
Mind scrambled
Body holding you hostage
The least you can do is free your soul
NOTHING
Screams so loud yet silent
Suffering so deep yet invisible
Thoughts so horrific yet disguised
NOTHING
Escape is all you want
Silence is your peace
Freedom is your desire
SOMETHING
Keeps you here!
Closed eyes
Visualizing happiness
You see it
Fight for it
Let go of the sadness
SOMETHING
Stops you from walking into the abyss
Its not that gloomy
You're not useless
The end seems easy
Staying is too much
SOMETHING
Grabs hold of you
Feel it
Embrace it
Receive it
SOMETHING is the reason you need to live
NOTHING is worth your life



Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you've thought about it or even attempted it think about this for a few minutes, WHY AM I HERE? In that moment find something that makes you smile, no matter how small and focus on it!!!!!!! That's the reason you haven't succeeded with suicide, you're mind is not all consumed with horrific thoughts. That light in your darkness wants you to fight! No matter what you're going through or who you feel has abandoned you there is something or someone who will be completely crushed you're not here! Ask yourself another question, have I done all I could to help myself? Keeping how you feel a secret deprives others from helping you. How can you say no one cares about you if you don't tell them what's going on with you? If you never share what's going on with people who love you how do you know they don't care? Committing suicide is a selfish act!

When those days are dark they are dark. When you feel hopeless and worthless its so severe you can't put it into words to share it with someone. I'll tell you something even if you give a few words such as "Help Me" someone will. You may have to say it to more than one person but someone will help you. Don't ever feel like you don't want to be a burden. You're not, you have issues that you can't handle or control and you need help. That NOTHING feeling is temporary! The more you wallow in it the deeper it feels. You are LOVED and there's SOMETHING you need to be here for. Don't suffer in silence.


I wrote this piece because it is very personal to me. Give yourself a chance to overcome, you owe yourself that much. You were put here for a reason! That reason is NOT so you can end it in your time, its so you can live in the time you are given. You have purpose, TRUST ME! I can give you 10 reasons for staying here:
1. God loves you
2. I love you
3. You have work to do
4. Your testimony will help someone
5. You have a purpose
6. Darkness disappears in the light
7. You're a part of the solution NOT the problem
8. You don't want to be a memory you want to create memories
9. You smiled today after reading #2
10. You're sitting there thinking about if you did smile. I want to know your answer, I'm not letting you off the hook until I get it. *taps foot waiting*

You are NOT at your end
Your are at the beginning of a new journey called, I'M LIVING LIFE
NOT LIVING my fears or sadness!


If you are going through and feel like I don't understand, these are just words and I don't know how you feel, I was you, I AM YOU! I made it! You

SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™
LMJ©2012

Heart Ready, Mind Unsteady

You feel it
You want it
But so confused about it
LOVE
Its something we all crave
And daydream about
Planning and plotting of what's to be
Still unclear
Huge uncertainty
When you find THE ONE you think
Such astronomical possibilities
Sometimes so focused on the what
Not letting things just be
FEAR
Lingers in places you allow it
Turning sunny days into thunderous showers
Before you know it you've convinced yourself to abandon ship
Leave it alone
You're not emotionally equipped
Willing to stay in your comfort zone
Its familiar territory
SAFE
No matter how hard you try
What tactics you use
The heart beats
Continuously for and because of love
It completes your existence
Illuminates your presence
Dominates your mental
Trying to get you to surrender
You can only fight it but for so long
FREEDOM
Its the partner you've been waiting for
The one you smile for
The one you push forward for
The one who you receive entirely
The one gives your heart purpose
No doubt
No fear
Nothing is impossible
SOLID
Undeniable

SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™
LMJ©2012

LORD, FORGIVE ME FOR I HAVE SINNED

"Lord, forgive me for I have sinned" this phrase rings in my head if not daily, very often. Some try to rationalize & categorize sin, in my opinion that's a huge waste of time. Sin is sin is sin is sin, just as we say a lie is a lie is a lie. No matter the weight or consequences of it, its all the same. If there is one thing I've learned on my journey to better my relationship with God is that we are not free from sin, no matter what it may be. Sadly I've noticed that people will categorize certain things that they feel as a "sin" just because they have a personal feeling about it but CAN NOT back it up with anything in the bible or they will focus on one type of sin because they feel it is worse than another. Being realistic and truthful is not in some people's nature no matter what your religion is. Some will guide you to destruction if you don't seek to gain the information yourself.

Lately I've been feeling a little heavy about sin as a whole. I sit back and observe people and their actions. My mind is always curious as to what others are thinking. Just as I observe others I observe and critique myself. I don't compare myself to anyone because we all walk this walk differently and for different reasons BUT for the same end result, eternal life with our Father. I am probably my harshest critic when it comes to my actions and if I feel God will be pleased.

My personal feeling and what sometimes makes me angry with myself is that how many times can you asked to be forgiven for the same thing you know God doesn't approve of BUT then I "slap" myself and realize that's why he is God. He is forgiving, he knows our hearts and he knows our every move. He created an example for us to follow in Jesus but knew we could never be him. He gave his son so that we could be. A gift that I am deeply grateful for. I know God has given me numerous chances to find my way to him because he knew where I was supposed to be. I ignored him for some time before I stopped, in a split second he could've taken my life or allowed my quality of life to be hard but just like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were tossed in the blazing furnace and were not harmed, so was I. The only explanation I have for surviving what I did unharmed was because God deemed it so. He saw my purpose even when I didn't. So when I sin it effects me deeply because I feel like I let him down. When you don't enjoy things that are not of God as you used to, that's a clear sign of change. I know those things are not in his plan for me no matter how good they may feel. He will only allow me to enjoy things that are for me when he says they are. Its a challenge at times because our natural selves want, but our spiritual selves are conflicted and battling against it.

Lord, forgive me for I have sinned, I'm honest with myself daily. I do my best to please him, at the end of my day that's my main concern. Recently I broke down because he taught me a valuable lesson. He knew I wasn't strong enough to let something go so he allowed my response to be so overwhelming toward it that that something had no choice but to let me go. As I write this I see the bigger picture and the lesson and I feel less conflicted. I'm happy I have God to lean on because we can't go to everyone with our problems. It had to happen the way that it did. I never question God because he knows what's best for me. I learned the hard way that one has to be "used" in order to help others and help one's self. I ask God daily to use me. When you are chosen, fighting it is a battle, something I would wish on no one.

Some days I feel false or like a hypocrite because I know I do wrong but again I have to "slap" myself because once again I'm being too hard on myself. I'm not perfect, if I was I'd be God and we ALL know there is only 1! I have to remember I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior because it was the best thing for me not because someone told me to. I chose this because I could only have the peace that I have with God. I had to stop trying to get what I wanted from other people. A lot of trials and tribulations to get to this point.

Sin is a part of this life on earth. I'm not saying we have to go along with it but the temptation is always there. The test are always there. We have to fight against it daily and as long as I fight I'm in good shape. The day I give in is the day I should forget about that gift of eternal life with my Father.
 
I have a sense of peace with the closing of this blog I needed this. I'm not a quitter so I can't give up. I'll just pick myself up and continue walking. I've come too far to stop now. As much as I accepted this life, it chose me. I am so much better for it!

UNDESERVED OPPORTUNITIES

Its 4:30am and I've been laying here for some time, THINKING! The thing I do a lot, it helps me see things that often times in the moment they're happening I miss. What has been at the top of my list over this holiday weekend is creating opportunities for people who don't deserve them. You maybe thinking how does that work, we all do it and most times we don't even realize it, simply because many of us have a good heart. On the flip side we're also selfish in some areas, we think we're doing something for ourselves meanwhile creating an undeserved opportunity for someone else. I'll share with you a few examples of an undeserved opportunity and how one can let it happen. As well as showing you how it can become a pattern that keeps one in a stagnant place.

Example #1: A mother who loves her children, wants to keep the happy. The one person who gives that happiness is the absent parent, the father. So the mother jumps through hoops and over bridges to have the father in their lives. The kids are happy therefore the mother is happy BUT when the mother can't make miracles happen the father has every excuse in the book why he can't make them happen. The mother feels bad for her children, over compensates for what they're missing meanwhile the father walks away like nothing happened. The mother may become bitter and angry or she'll act as if he doesn't exist. Either way she's mad but where should her anger be directed?

Example #2: A woman likes/loves a man, she gives him her all(nooks & crannies included). The man is only around when the woman creates an opportunity for him to be there. If she stopped he stopped. He makes no effort to be apart of her world unless she creates it and makes it available to him. Time passes the woman gets tired, stops all contact. The man walks away content with what he received and never looks back(This can also be reversed for a man giving a woman his all and she gets what she needs and walks away). Meanwhile the woman/man is trying to figure out what they did wrong. Asking questions they're not opening their eyes to see the answers to.

Example #3: A friend is always there for another, when that friend is in need they can't even get a call back. When they needed you to bail them out of a financial jam, you were there. When their mate threw them out, you were there. When they lost a loved one, you were there. When they needed a job, you were there. When their mate cheated, you were there. When they had a bad day at work, you were there. The minute you have an issue, they disappear. You try and tell yourself, they're dealing with a lot so you write off their lack of help. You make excuses for them at every turn. Then you turn around and are their support for whatever. You try and tell yourself you're doing what should be done as a friend. After awhile when you need the simplest thing from them they can't supply it. You blow up! Not because of that one thing they missed but because you've been pissed for a long time and that was the last straw. You're mad and they are with their "other friends" talking about how they don't even know why you're are tripping.

Example #4: Usually consist of the physical nature, we've all had a lonely night where we gave someone an opportunity had the circumstances been different they would've never had. We've all made that phone call/sent that text message because we wanted something from someone for that moment(selfishness on high)! In our minds we say its nothing we just want what we want at that moment and simple say we're going to walk away from it. That other person has other plans! They've remixed it in their brain that something can happen from this. They want to create "situations" with you. Now you're avoiding them like the plague or you blatantly tell them in an angry tone to KICK ROCKS!

In all four scenarios you are the common denominator!


In REALITY:
A man who is a father will swim through shark infested water if it meant his child wouldn't go without.

A man/woman who wants to be with someone makes a clear effort and makes their feelings/expectations known.

A friend who appreciates another friend does their best to balance that relationship by showing their appreciation through actions.

That "late night" call/text to someone should mean "Booty Call" BUT you just turned the situation into something you wish you could take back because that person may not and often times isn't thinking like you if they genuinely like you. They're just so happy you hit them up, they now think they have a shot.

In all the scenarios undeserved opportunities were created for the other person or for yourself. You created the situation in one way or another so you can't be mad at the other parties involved. They were being themselves you were just expecting something else of them because of who you are or what you wanted.

I've been in all of these scenarios and it took me a long time to let go of being mad at the friend for not being the friend I was to them or at the man who should want to be a father. It took me a long time to see people for who they truly were as well as accept them for it and move on. I can't expect people to have a good heart as big as my own. I learned many people scout out the good hearted, say what they feel will make them put their guard down and use up all they need them for. The minute they see you've picked up on their "character" they create an exit and disappear. The minute you stop creating situations for them, they move onto the next person, you no longer exist. I had to change some things in my life. I'm not perfect, I've done some wrong but I had to stop opening up myself to people who were the opposite of me, I would continually be disappointed and in turn that would change who I was. I was happy being a giver, that's my nature, I like to do for others. I had to stop dealing with takers. A taker almost took me to the edge I wanted to jump off of, I realized if I jumped I'd be useless to those who needed me. I removed all of the takers from my circle. I'm cautious with people now but I give them a chance to prove themselves. Its not a full proof system because I back away at the slightest sense of a taker-tendencies but I've also learned others feed off of my energy as well so I have to give in a little to see where a situation can go.

I'm NOT telling you to change who you are, I'm telling you to be more aware of the people you do for. Everyone doesn't deserve what you have to offer nor does what you have to offer everyone want. That can be taken many ways depending on the type of person you are. If you have a lot to offer, a person will bleed you dry if you let them, in turn you are no use for anyone else including yourself, that's complete selfishness at its best! Everyone should be given a fair shot, if you're not satisfied don't stop being you just act accordingly toward them. You don't have to be mean to them or get revenge, its not worth it. GOD said love thy enemies. When you know their ways you learn to recognize them faster. Be cordial and don't allow them to make you feel guilty about anything you've done because you did because that's who you are, they just didn't appreciate it. Just realign yourself with like minded people.

There will always be the types of people who pretend to be what they are not but their true colors always show. The key is open your eyes to see them when they present themselves.

I personally am not mad at those who I've given undeserved opportunities to, I created them so I'm mad at myself, my intentions were good for a better outcome but they had other plans. I've learned valuable lessons about people as well as myself through my experiences. I've learned that I can't let people change me but I can change the people around me. Think about it!(Some may try to flip this thinking if they have a certain type of people around them that will change them, a lot of fakes think this, all they're doing is mimicking behavior to fool others. You have to want change and make necessary steps to incorporate that change into your life in order for it to stick) I've also learned I can't continue to create opportunities for those who don't deserve them. Some opportunities like true friendship/relationships have to be earned. Also I can't be weak in my own needs to do something in which I know is not done with good intent/out of selfishness that when I'm done I want to slap myself for. Yall know what I'm talking about, you wake up, look at the person and go what the heck did I just do? You possibly want to throw up! I've also learned people will often times eliminate themselves without even a word from you. When they see you acting accordingly they'll do one of two things, disappear because they can't trick you anymore or they'll test you to see if they can break you, they don't believe what they see. The devil is always busy!

Think about what I've said because many of us are repeat offenders of creating undeserved opportunities. We let a few things get in our way often times its our emotions or some "unspoken rule" we go by. Just think, how many times are you going to let someone throw a rock at you and not move before you realize it hurts? At some point you should either move or protect yourself. Same goes for people, you either move them out of your circle or you protect yourself from them infiltrating your circle. Anyone who tries to keep you stagnant or down will keep you from what's meant for you.

Everyone doesn't deserve a blessing. Everyone is open to receive them but one has to be willing to do what it takes to get it. Nothing from nothing is nothing.



If you miss the message behind this blog, let me give it to you straight-----> Stop creating opportunities for people who otherwise wouldn't be there if you didn't make it easy for them! Give them an opportunity to show they deserve who you are as a person and what comes that. You can't be mad at them for taking if you never allow them the opportunity to give, you just expect that when it happens they will show up. When they don't, you'll get mad, its natural, I did too, BUT when the smoke cleared I realized I created an opportunity they just opened the door. In the moment you stop creating opportunities for those who don't deserve them you'll see who they really are.

EASY

Easy is the path many prefer to journey on
Scared to put in true effort
Constantly wanting instant gratification
They curse the process if it takes too long
Impatient
What's missed along this journey IS life doesn't always afford you access to Easy Street
Often times you have to cross Hard Lane, Reside on Heartbreak Road and or bottom out on Can I Live Drive!
Trials and Tribulations
Sounds painful and full of defeat
I'm sure
But you'd never truly appreciate the perks of what you received if it was so EASY to obtain
Not all is worth having
Loss is a part of every gain
Learning
You know what they "Easy come easy go"
As easy as it was received
Is as easy as it can leave
Loss
Put in the work
Endure the process
Lay the foundation
Secure your place
Build on it
Putting your best forward to ensure longevity
Reinvest every so often
Make adjustments when needed
Maintenance


LMJ~MYSOULONPAPER™
©11/19/11

They Say You've Changed

As I sit here consumed with various thoughts, change has been on my mind a lot lately. When one starts to find themselves, change happens. One day you wake up and think "something has to give". Often times whom you work toward being is the person who's already been inside of you, you've just been too afraid to let them exist and be seen. Now some folks are too busy covering up who they are with who they want others to see them as; impostors. They operate on another level of change. With change comes truth: good, bad, ugly and sometimes hideous. The success or failure of this journey is how you handle that truth.



When you start on this journey know that you will lose and gain along the way. You can't prepare yourself for it because you don't know what or who will fall into either category. Take it in, evaluate it and let it go. Not everyone is going to see your mission as a plus especially if they're gaining off of who you "were" in anyway. Some folks will like to keep you stagnant if it’s getting them ahead.



I will fill you in ahead of time this journey won’t be easy! You’ll have highs, lows and days you want to give up BUT if you’re focused on the end result what happens in between won’t be an issue.



Whatever your reason to start this journey is yours and yours alone, it’s not for anyone to understand or for them to like.



Personally speaking from my own experience I knew I wasn’t happy with where I was and with many people who I had in my life so I had to make a change. I started slow just letting people eliminate themselves or just distancing myself from them. That only worked for so long. I ignored many things until I was forced to get things on track, it became an issue of sustaining my mental stability over all else. One’s sanity is precious and priceless. I had to stop beating myself up for others shortcomings when it came to what they meant to me and who they were to me. That day I realized I’d had some folks around way too long; dead weight. They weren’t moving and I was trying to but keeping them apart of my life was keeping me in a particular place: stagnant, loyalty misplaced. Tyrese said it best “Loyalty has an expiration date”. When I heard him say that I was like BOOM, that's the truth! I was more focused on being a great friend and person to others I didn't focus on them treating our friendship like a one way street.


Those types that always call on you when they need something BUT the minute you need or have an issue, they switch subjects like Nicki Minaj switches voices. They become so dependent on you that they don't know how to be independent when it comes to offering themselves to you, as a true friend. The type who takes advantage of who you are until you realize, damn I don't need this person in my life. I used to be mad at those people but looking back I should've been more mad at myself for letting it go on so long. It wasn't until I moved to another state that I started to see what was really going on with folks. That old saying "out of sight out of mind" rang LOUD in my ear.



Folks will say you've changed when you start the process of "I want better for my life/I need to revise some areas", when they say that, agree and say "you haven't changed a bit". Some will get it and think twice others will get an ego boost, that statement will have gone WAY over their heads!



You'll test your strength level during this time as well. The most beneficial element of this time is learning who you are and what you need. You start to see having one or two great friends is far better than the 30 "friends" you had before.

Embrace change, better you embrace or be forced to do so. Which would you prefer?

COMPLEX BUT SIMPLE YET UNDERSTANDABLE

This has been on my mind for a little while now, maybe this past year. I’ve replayed it in my mind multiple times. I’ve gotten tons of opinions on it and at the end of the day NO ONE KNOWS what they would do if this happened to them. Some of you know my car accident story some of you don’t BUT only a select few know what happened before and after. There is no time like now to get it off my chest because most days I can still laugh about it while also seeing the multitude f messages in it. Coming up on the year anniversary October 30th, I felt it fitting to share; maybe you can see why I can still laugh about it.


I’m not normally the type to share my personal life but in this last year I’ve seen how beneficial it is for me as well as others.



It all started on Twitter when someone who was following me made a comment about something I tweeted about wanting Popeye’s Chicken, LMBO @ the memories as I type this. Being sort of new to the whole social networking scene and people connecting on and off of the web, I was always skeptical BUT this person became a person of interest. We connected off of Twitter, realized we were in close proximity to one another and planned to meet. For 30 straight days we “kicked” it via phone conversations and BBM. The chemistry was crazy! We set a date to meet and we were both excited about it. I chose to drive to him because it was easier and I had all the precautions in my mind if the in-person meet was a bust, it would be easier for me to leave than to kick him out if he came to me. Long story short, I arrived, and BOOM that chemistry was on 1000. We had a great time. He was a gentleman. I stayed for a day. It was time for me to go and I was super excited because my mind was already on when I was coming back. Plus I was leaving early enough that I still would have the whole day with my kids when I got home. Well God had other plans in mind for me that day because I didn’t make it home as early as I wanted to. I totaled my car and landed in a ditch, flipped 3 times. I called the person I just left; he was in a training class at work so it took a few calls before he answered. He was not my 1st call. I didn’t expect him to come to my aide; I didn’t expect anything from him. I just simple wanted him to know what happened and that I was ok.



Now in telling a few people afterward there were many opinions such as: he should’ve left his class to come to your aide, why did you drive to him in the 1st place, if he was a man he wouldn’t have let you drive that distance, bah, blah, blah BUT NONE of that mattered because I saw the bigger picture. I believe all things happen for a reason and no matter what I did that day something was going to happen to me, my “wake up” call. That’s just how God works. At that time I was focused on things that I shouldn’t have been. I was so adamant about being in a relationship, which was my main focus. I wasn’t thinking about things I needed to do on a personal level that would fill the void. I was trying to fill the void with a person. A mistake many women make when going through certain stages in life. I was 2+ years into being single and tired of it. Used to being in relationships I thought that would make me happy again. In a way I was settling. Not to take away from the guy because there wasn’t anything wrong with him BUT ironically he was in the same space I was in mentally. Recently divorced he was looking for a relationship as well but didn’t realize he needed to work on himself emotionally just as I needed to. *Every time I start a blog it goes in another direction, LOL*



Now after my car accident I was in pain for weeks, even had to do physical therapy and he constantly checked on me via phone/BBM. I even tried to go see him again but things never panned out. He became distant after awhile and I wend through a slew of emotions because I felt abandoned my many, friends and family included. I still didn’t expect anything from him but I was angry at him. Why, he was the one closest to me at the time. It was like anything we felt before my accident just disappeared afterward. I never looked at it from his point of view. I was going through too much emotionally/physically to care.



Months later he and I had a conversation and he broke down how he felt. He didn’t know how to respond to what had happened. He felt guilty, he felt like he was to blame. Second guessing himself and what he thought was a promising situation turned ugly in 24 hours. He didn’t want me to come visit him again because he thought he was protecting me in some way by me not traveling the distance. Once I heard him out I was no longer angry and understood. I began to think had I not survived that accident and him getting the news all of the emotions he could have gone through. I put myself in his shoes. In that moment I realized men truly do react differently to traumatic situations. If I was him as a woman I would’ve been nurturing but as a woman it’s in our nature to do so. Men often hold in their emotional and act as if nothing happen so they can cope. Granted maybe he could’ve done something different but looking back he did the best he knew how to do considering. How would you react if a person you met for the 1st time gets into a near fatal accident after they leave you? Simple answer, you don’t know until it happens to you.



I am still in contact with this person. We just were talking yesterday and he wanted to know if I hated him. I don’t, never did. We laugh about it now saying, maybe we weren’t meant to go out again. We talk about the coulda, shoulda, woulda’s and still have great chemistry. He understands I see the bigger picture and he was just a small part of it. That day changed me. Fast forward, a year later, I’m in a happy place, knowing my purpose and I’m not looking to fill any voids.





Who knows what will happen between us if anything but I call him friend and he calls me the same.





Its funny what twist life throws at you and how you deal with them makes all of the difference.



Would I do anything differently? NO



Why? Simple answer for that because through that experience I slowly began to put my life together and I knew in that moment God was sending me a warning. My only concern was getting home to my children and not missing God’s complete message for me.



Everyday I’m blessed to wake up.



I learned a lot about my relationship style/myself, why I attract the men I do, why I choose the one to spend time with, how I handle “expectations” of others, who I called “friend”, what I had to change about myself and who and what I had to let go. I was completely humbled by that experience; I was broken down to be restored but clearly NOT broken. I survived it all. I don’t know what one will get from this story but I’m happy I got it off my chest.





Minor yet major tip for all: Often times we miss the pebbles being thrown at us, its not until that boulder gets thrown that we pay attention. The pebbles don’t hurt and/or we have a high tolerance for pain. Don’t dismiss the pebbles because that boulder may be the end all. You may not get another chance.