UNTITLED

It’s been awhile since I put pen to paper
Always had the outlook I’ll do it later
So much of life has happened to me in these past few years
So much sh*t if I told someone it would bring them to tears
I brush it off and keep things moving
Just like anyone else I know
I’ve got some improving to do
When you have so much going on with one problem bigger than the last
You save face and keep pushing fast
Let them catch you when they can
If your one step ahead of them hell you might win the game,
LIFE
Can tear you down to nothing if you let it
Set some goals and put your priorities into perspective
I don’t complain about my issues let alone worry about myself
My pride has me on high so I don’t ask for help
This will either make me or break me
Mold me or fold me
Either I get in control or just let it be

SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™
LMJ ©2007

I CAN'T BREATHE

I FEEL THE TIGHTNESS INSIDE OF ME
I CAN'T SEE
I CAN'T BREATHE
MY HEART IS RACING
TOO SCARED TO IMAGINE WHAT I'M FACING
MY FEAR IS ON HIGH
AS I WATCH THE FEAR DANCE IN MY DAUGHTER'S EYES
I'M ALL ALONE IN HERE
WITH EVERY BREATH
THERE COMES A TEARS
I CAN'T BREATHE
I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN
BUT THERE IS NOT ENOUGH AIR
I CLOSE MY EYES TO GAIN CONTROL
IT'S OVER
I CAN'T BREATHE ANYMORE

SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™
LMJ ©2001

BEFORE

MISTAKES HAVE TO HAPPEN
BEFORE WE LEARN
WE HAVE TO DO
BEFORE WE EARN
PROBLEMS WILL START
BEFORE THEY'RE SOLVED
COMPLICATIONS HAVE TO APPEAR
BEFORE THEY ARE RESOLVED
LOVE HAS TO HAPPEN
BEFORE THE HEARTS ARE TO BE BROKEN
OPPORTUNITY HAS TO KNOCK
BEFORE THE DOORS OPEN
THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN
THEN WE START FROM THERE
PICTURES COME ON T.V.
BEFORE WE STARE

SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™
LMJ ©1993

MY NEW YORK

In my New York the MTA stands for Might Take All day
Always running but not at your pace
Shuttle bus on the weekends
Something always out of place
In my New York we move to a different beat
Slick talking, hustle always on
Fast paced, we rock to a different song
Some hoods are crazy and some suburbs low key
Compared to where you’re from nothing is like my city
In my New York the lingo is bananas
From Queens Brooklyn the Bronx to Manhattan
We can’t forget the Island of Staten
I love this city no matter how far I go away
From the culture in Harlem, the Latin flavor in the Bronx to the beaches of Far Rockaway
This is my city all day everyday
In my New York “The Melting Pot” it is
Many places to go: South Street Seaport, the Deuce, City Island, Chelsea Piers
So many landmarks you have no idea
Come to my city just once if you’ve never been
We have our problems like any other city every now and then
In my New York there is a parade for almost any and everything
Gay Pride, Thanksgiving, St. Pat’s, Puerto Rican and West Indian Day and a lot in between
In my New York crooked cops get away with a lot
Abner Louima, Sean Bell 50 shots

Many days never forgotten
The Blackout of 2003, 9/11, the miracle on the Hudson, and when the Yankees win the World Series
In my New York
The city that NEVER sleeps


SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™
LMJ ©2007

HATE

I hate what you’ve done to me

You’ve made it so I constantly live in misery

Sometimes I suppress what happened that night

How easily you took from me because I was too terrified to fight

You had my life in your hands and almost made the decision to end it

I watched you go from loving to deranged in a second

You hurt me mentally and physically just to prove a point

How was I supposed to know the person you previously showed me was a front?

I hate what you did to my mind

You took so much from me that I blocked it out for a long time

My subconscious protected me

For I was not ready to deal

For months the nightmares I was having didn’t seem real

I would toss and turn all night

I would withdraw from society because I didn’t know how to feel

I hate what you did to my heart

You made me not trust or feel safe around anyone

It’s a struggling process, that didn’t have a good start

I push people away when I know they are good for me

I thought the same about you

Good for me, HA!

Your love wasn’t love; you destroyed me because of hate

You say I lied to you constantly

How can I lie to someone who was a lie to me?

You made it seem like I led you on

Although you were determined to prove you were right and I was wrong

That made you feel good that you could justify your actions

By saying I implied we were something

WE WERE NOT!

I know you remember what you did to me it’s not something you forgot

I hate you for not putting me out of my misery

But of course you didn’t do that because you wanted me to suffer

Since it’s embedded in my memory

I hate what you did to my body

You took something that if you loved properly could be given so freely

The scars you left me with were not only physical

They are still with me today

Sometimes I block them out praying they’ll go away

I’ve tried taking them head on to prove to myself that I’m ok

But I still have a long long way to go

It took many years to talk about it let alone write it down for others to see

But it’s a healing process I set up for me

I’ve still never actually said the words out loud to anyone else

I’m still trying to say the words to myself

I know the extremes you’ve been to when you felt someone was a threat to you

You destroy them and watch them crumble to pieces from what you put them through

I WILL SURVIVE this to move on with my life

I need someone to love me more than I love myself

Sometimes I can’t take it anymore and feel if I wasn’t here this wouldn’t haunt me

That’s not hard to tell

But all that would happen is I’d meet you in the afterlife and we’d both suffer together in hell

SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™

LMJ ©2003

DREAM

I used to wake up in a cold sweat

Screaming and fighting trying to connect

My dreams to my reality

In visions I had that never resembled me

I’d be scared all the time

Never liked to be closed in

Withdrew from the world even from friends

I could never put pieces together

Or put a face on what I saw

My visions were so flawed

It took a long time of flashbacks and triggers to realize the connection

And how I subconsciously knew how to protect it

It changed me in a way I never thought possible

Became someone different right in front of you

Fear and pain has taken over

Now strength and freedom hid in a place where insecurity and nervousness now live

I never thought this to be the cause of my “about face” or really looked at what was taking place

You stole something from me that can’t be given back

Things like trusting people and a real sense of security

It’s taken a long time but I’m partially back on track

I no longer wake up in a cold sweat because I no longer dream

SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™
­­©2002

REST IN PEACE CHRISTOPHER "B.I.G" WALLACE

Brooklyn mourns especially today

For this day six years ago someone took you away

Your home going was fit for a king

As the tribute songs played on the radio we stopped once we heard Faith sing

We felt pain and anger

As those close to you felt danger

They never thought it to be real

When your first album dropped we felt your flavor

We never thought your friendship with Pac would destroy you later

You will always be remembered by those who love you

They will never let you be forgotten

From Mrs. Wallace, your kids, Diddy, the music industry, fans, Faith to Kim

You are one of the trees that grew in Brooklyn

There will never be a question or thought of maybe

You are one of the best BIG BABY!

SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™

­©2003

HAVE YOU........

Have you ever lost someone you loved?

You feel deprived because you can’t feel them

You’re lost because they are not there

You cry because you have a whole new set of fears

Have you ever lost someone you loved?

I have

I dream about them every night

I try to stay focused and not lose sight

I’ll never stop loving him because he is a part of me

He is locked in my soul and I will never set him free

I love him still, I do

Have you ever lost someone?

Have you?


SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™
©2001

DAMN

I lost a part of me the other day

When I realized it, it was too late

I was focused on something else of less value

Not thinking I would forget you

How could I be so careless?

What you meant to me was PRICELESS!

To lose you or leave you behind was the worst thing I could’ve done

You were a part of me

We were ONE

You had my thoughts, my visions, you had me

So leaving you should NEVER happen

I hoped that you would still be there

But I gave up so easily

Questioning myself did I really care?

Did I leave you to someone who can’t appreciate your existence?

They’ll try to change you to make you compliment them for instance

But they CAN’T have what we had no matter how hard they try!

It took sometime but I’ve come to terms with losing you

I have to say goodbye

If I would have paid attention you would be here with me today

But I let something so minor get in our way

As the doors separated us I was consumed with extreme pain

I was so careless I left my poem book on the train

DAMN!


SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™
©2003

CHEATING, WHATS YOUR TAKE ON IT

(JUST MY CURIOUS MIND AT WORK)
IN THIS DAY AND AGE WHEN RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT PLENTIFUL, MARRIAGES AT A LOW OR IN SHAMBLES AND SO MANY SINGLE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHEN OR IF THERE IS EVER A TIME THAT CHEATING IS ACCEPTED OR SHOULD I SAY VALID? WITH ALL THESE CELEBRITIES GETTING CAUGHT CHEATING & GOING TO "REHAB", WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO CURE? HOW DO YOU FEEL, IS IT ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER OR DO YOU THINK THAT THEIR PARTNER PLAYED A ROLE IN WHY THE OTHER ONE CHEATS/CHEATED?

YOU GIVE ME STRENGTH

When you say you need me to be okay
You give me strength to make the next day
When I get fed up, stressed out, scared and want it to be over
You become that friend I need, your shoulder becomes my shoulder
You try to give me all I need because you believe I deserve it
You give me strength to hang in there and not quit
Whenever I question my happiness or ask when will I get all I desire
You put me on a pedestal
So high that things you say to me make me feel no one else can get higher
You give me strength to be a survivor
I am the happiest woman alive
Because you love me unconditionally


(This poem originally had a different meaning and was longer but as I was typing I got a different perspective of what this meant. You know you always hear people say God spoke to me, well I won't say I heard him but as I read this poem back to myself I felt the need to cut it off there because I felt thats who this poem should praise instead. I felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction as I redirected my emotion from MAN to GOD. I had a moment!)

©06/2003
SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™

FATHER OF YOUR CHILD (REN) OR BABY DADDY

These 2 terms have been sitting on my mind for awhile and I clearly feel there is a difference. Speaking from my own life & experience I have become more aware of what these 2 terms mean for me. I have 3 children by 2 men and both experiences are total opposites from the relationship on down to how I deal with both men.

Women are so quick to say “oh that’s just my baby daddy” or jokingly call the man they share a child with “my baby daddy”. As far as I’m concerned that is an insult to a MAN who plays his role as a FATHER. Words are so much more than sounds. There are times it’s not how you say it but what you say that’s important. We have all used the “baby daddy” term in some way shape or fashion but I want to give a different outlook and maybe it will change how people go forward using this term. As a mother of daughters I want to show them that having a “baby daddy” can happen even if you start out with a “father of your child” but the ultimate goal is to be able to choose the right type for the long term.

As women we can tell the difference between the 2 off top, that little thing called “intuition” we don’t listen to as often as we should is a clear indicator. We too often feel “WE CAN CHANGE HIM” and fall victim to the BS. I knew I didn’t want to have children with my ‘baby daddy” so I took the necessary steps not to but life had its own plan for me and looking back my experience will help someone now. I know most times it doesn't happen that way, we date or get married, have kids with a man and then see who they truly are as far as being a parent. Men change as well as women when kids are involved that's life but if my story helps anyone it will help you to be more observant of who you wish to share this experience with.

At 17, I was messing around with an older guy, no relationship title at least from my stand point we were “talking” as we used to say back in the day. In my mind I was just having fun it was no harm no big deal. I got pregnant and man was it a learning experience for my ass! I took precautions to not get pregnant but we all know they aren’t 100% guaranteed! I had no expectations of what his role would be or if he would play one considering our situation. Looking back I’m amazed at how mature I was emotionally. Fast forward to child being present, for the first year he was the best father in all aspects. He took financial responsibility completely, I wanted for nothing concerning our child. He spent quality time with her, he was the proud father. Only difference was we were not involved at least in my eyes but I learned some men have a “control” thing with them. They feel if they have child with you they “own” you or they’re “obligated” to your life. What I mean is they are all in your business: who you hang with, what man you’re dating, what you wear, why is this person around their child, etc. Since I was younger he felt that “control” would keep me at bay so he could always “get in where he fit in” but he didn’t realize who he was dealing with. Even at that age my “I don’t give a fuck” attitude was high. After a year he became my baby daddy. Everything else became more important than she did. I saw that because I wasn’t giving him attention he was not interested in just being her father. With a baby daddy you have to ask them to “watch” your child if you need to go out or take care of important business. Until he moved on from that he was just a “dude I had a kid with”.

Thus crowning him my baby daddy! You know the type whenever you see them they have to make a scene. Have to keep their ego going. They’re always wearing their emotions on their sleeve. Happy to see you especially if you’re looking good not concerned with the child you guys had together. Always asking “How are YOU doing?” when they see you then asking about the kid. They’re always concerned with your relationship status. Whenever you call concerning the child they want to take the conversation left. They are always in and out of your child’s life. They always seem to be present when you’re single but very distant when you have a mate. They always have something smart or bad to say about your mate but you can’t comment on their “broad of the week”. More times than not he is concerned with YOU before he is about the kid. I could go on and on about this!

Till this day he is my baby daddy and I deal with him accordingly. Our child is 14 now and he still lights up like a Christmas tree if I call him or we see each other. When I became single he still thought he had a chance, MAN PLEASE! He has no real relationship with our child nor does he supply for her. It’s his loss. I don’t dwell on it; I explained to my child his actions and also let her make her own decisions concerning him.

I have 2 children with another man I deem “father of my children”; largely because he was a man about our situation. We are not together but as a man he is more concerned about his children. He is concerned with me only in the aspect of if I’m not good I cannot be good for our children. He is not concerned with whom or if I’m dating solely because he knows I will not bring just anybody around our children. His priority is us having a great relationship for our children. Granted we are human and we have our times where I want to smack the hell out of him and he keeps his distance because he misses his family/our relationship but we jump that hurdle every time it is present. The overall goal is accomplished. Our situation is unique so what most would want I don’t care about, what I’m getting benefits my children more emotionally.

First off I planned to have children with this man. Yes people still plan to have children! It’s not common but it happens. He was my partner, we had a relationship. We established what we would do as parents. He played his role well, granted we are no longer together but he plays his role as best he can due to distance playing interference. I knew this man for 13 years prior to dating him and taking it to the next level so we knew fairly a lot about each other. Ironically he was the one friend I confided in about life altering events in my life. He was much more than a friend to me over the years but we never took it there until we got older. A life altering event brought us together and we blossomed from there. He was there every day nurturing our children. He was there when both were born and we made and still make every decision together concerning our children. We decide on everything from healthcare to religion and everything in between. When we were together I never had to ask; he saw, and he did. It was to the point the kids asked Daddy for everything. He made breakfast, washed clothes, cooked dinner, took the kids on outings all the time and just played with them. He took pride in his role as the father. Granted our relationship didn’t work and for a little while it was hard to be a father but he didn’t let that prevent him from doing so.

As I said distance runs interference, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to play his role as their father. As adults you have to sacrifice and make decisions that are the hardest sometimes, as a parent its double sometimes triple the sacrifice. At times certain circumstances limit those decisions but you work with it as best you can. I’m one place because its best for our children and he’s one place because it’s best for him. I don’t see it as being selfish but since we are not together relationship wise things had and have to be adjusted. Our current situation affects our children but as parents and adults you try as best you can to lessen that affect.

Also another huge difference from my 2 men are my "baby daddy" was raised by a single woman and never had any dealings with his father and the "father of my children" had a relationship with his father from day one. Past always plays a role in the present as well as the environment you were brought up in. There are exceptions to these rules but I'm just speaking of my experiences.

In saying all of that I hope my words have inspired and my experience has helped someone.

THE PURPOSE OF THE "JUMPOFF/SIDEPIECE" (MALE/FEMALE)

This subject is really funny to me so I have to give my 2 cents on it. The Jumpoff/SidePiece is apart of the cycle of life. Just as whores, pimps, hoes, criminals, pornstars, idiots, and many other characters. If not you someone has to play these roles so don't get mad at them. On the funny side of it there are women/men who prefer this title and thats cool. If you know the rules and operate accordingly than its all good. If you love it I can't judge it.

A JumpOff/SidePiece can be male or female but today's focus is on the female. They serve a purpose just as anyone else.  We all have our place is this world, whatever yours is make it mean something. Don't hate on the JumpOff/SidePiece either! Just keep  them from around your mate and you should be fine. Now on the flip side of things if you are in a relationship and you have a JumpOff/SidePiece there is a reason for them. The least valid reason is "because you can or just because". Speaking from a woman's perspective if a man is lacking something in your relationship but he doesn't feel the need to leave you he will take on a JumpOff/SidePiece to assist him in areas you are lacking. It could be sex(oral), conversation, meals, money, affection(no sex involved), or emtional. Over time I have realized as a woman if you don't take care of your mate on ALL levels he WILL find someone else who will and still stay with you. In this event as a woman you should not be mad at the JumpOff/SidePiece but place anger where it truly belongs ON YOURSELF. If you are involved with a man who plays his position like MJ with you then you should assist him like Pippen and motivate him like Phil Jackson. You can't start out like Kobe and tapper off and become Stephan Maurbary and expect him  to be faithful or continue to give his all! Its just not right. It won't add up. Now granted there is an exception to every rule there are men who get that love and support and still cheat but thats a blog for the future. This blog focuses more on women not doing their job and mad at the JumpOff/SidePiece like its her fault. I also want to address the JumpOff/SidePieces trying to move up on the chain of command.

Simple rules to follow, play your position or get traded/bencehed/retired. Value what you have if its a great thing cause trust options are getting slimmer and slimmer by the day between down low brothers, jail, mama's boys, unemployment rates, disease, and baby mama drama quality men are beind snatched up QUICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now for the JumpOff/SidePiece trying to move up in ranks, be careful. This is a dangerous game if you get caught up with emotions/feelings/fall in love. Most often then not the man will not look at you as "the one". You are more regarded as an accessory.  Rims on his car, Watch on his wrist, Co-signer for his car/apartment, or milkshake drinker. Its possible to be in love with the JumpOff/SidePiece but if your looking for the gold medal at the end of the race it may never happen. You aslo have to learn to fall back. Don't ever mention the main girl/wife, that's just disrespectful! Don't press him for time when he needs you he knows how to find you! If you knowing are a JumpOff/SidePiece please stick to your script, its not that hard! Please don't get pregnant either, more heartache and static plus we all know kids do not keep folks together. They damn sure don't make men leave one for the other.

I take my hat off to the JumpOff/SidePiece, better you than me! Its a cold cold world out there.

Memo to JumpOff/SidePiece: Your services are not needed here!

20 QUESTIONS

I started doing this when I used to blog back in the day but I'd post 20 random questions and let people add their insight. I had tons of fun with it. Thought I'd bring it back for old times sake. Here we go:

1. Has the "recession" made you have a different outlook on how you go about your finances?
2. What would be your one wish for the person you most value?
3. What is the hype behind the reality show "The Bad Girls Club"?
4. If your a man who wears skinny jeans PLEASE explain why?
5. Trey Songz or Usher?
6. A year after Obama has been in office what is your outlook on government?
7. Blackberry, Droid or iPhone?
8. American or Foreign made vehicles?
9. Which is worst baby mama or baby father drama?
10. Would you be able to comfortably date someone who was of another race? Although interracial dating is going on more than ever there are some people who limit themselves because of what others think or because of stereotypes.
11. Marry for love or money?
12. Wacka Flocka or Soulja BoyTellem?
13.Why do folks still belive Tupac and Elvis are alive but not Aaliyah, Biggie or James Brown?
14. Is masturbating ok if your in a relationship?
15. Global warming, what's your outlook on it?
16. The movie Precious touched on a many very delicate subjects, do you think it aided in the education/awareness of incest, molestation, child abuse, HIV/AIDS versus the popularity of the actors. At times the content of the movie got overshadowed by who played in it.
17. Avatar made billions of dollars what was better the special effects or the story line?
18. House of Payne or meet the Browns? Tough I know, LOL
19. Rent an apartment or Own a home?
20. Miami or Los Angeles?

LETTING GO

I CAN'T HOLD YOU BACK FROM HAVING HAPPINESS
AS WE LOVE EACH OTHER ITS ALL BECOMING A BIG MESS
SO MUCH AT STAKE
SO MANY DECISIONS TO MAKE
BOTH HEARTS ACHE
AS WE TRY AND MAKE SENSE OF THIS SITUATION
NEITHER ONE WANTING TO WALK AWAY
PUTTING TOGETHER ALL TYPES OF SCENERIOS SO WE CAN STAY
TOGETHER
I HURT YOU WHEN I LEAVE AND I HATE THAT FEELING
I WATCH THE PAIN DANCE IN YOUR EYES FOR THERE IS SO MUCH YOU WANT TO SAY
BUT FEEL YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO EXPRESS OR ASK ME TO STAY
THIS CAT AND MOUSE THING YEAH THATS WHAT YOU CALLED IT
IS NOT GOOD FOR ANY PARTY INVOLVED
ITS PURELY BULLSHIT
WHERE I WANT TO BE IS WITH YOU
BUT STILL I'M HESITANT ON WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO
YOUR SAYING AND DOING THE RIGHT THINGS
BUT WHAT DOES IT ALL REALLY MEAN
I'VE MADE THE MISTAKE ONCE OF LETTING YOU LEAVE
THAT ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS SOME MORE TIME PLEASE
I'M NOT LEADING YOU ON BUT BEING REAL WITH ALL I GIVE TO YOU
TRUST THAT
I KNOW WHAT YOU COULD BE DOING
WHICH I'M NOT STOPPING YOU
BECAUSE WE ALL DESERVE HAPPINESS ESPECIALLY YOU
IF YOU WANT TO WALK AWAY IT WILL HURT BUT I WILL UNDERSTAND
MAYBE YOU WEREN'T MEANT TO BE A ROOT BUT ONLY A BRANCH
WHATEVER YOUR PURPOSE I'M HAPPY I HAD A CHANCE
TO LOVE YOU
AND FOR YOU TO LOVE ME IN RETURN
I APOLOGIZE FOR LETTING GO SO EASILY
AT THAT POINT I WAS ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT ME
WHAT I WANTED
HOW I FELT
WHAT I NEEDED
NOT REALIZING WE WERE BOTH DEALING WITH A LET DOWN
I WAS NOT PATIENT ENOUGH TO WAIT FOR WHAT I WAS DUE
AND IN RETURN THAT LEFT ME LEAVING YOU
SO NOW DO I LIVE WITH THAT OR TRY AND MAKE THINGS RIGHT
THEY SAY GOING BACK ISN'T ALWAYS GOOD
LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST
BUT WHEN I LOOK BACK
I FEEL ITS GRASP
ON MY HEART
ITS PULLING STRONG
HOW MUCH LONGER WILL IT HOLD ON?



SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™
LMJ©2008

RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS

Just to let you know I'm always writing about relationships simply because I'm still learning, so I post my woes/scenarios to gain insight from all my friends and readers.
I'm single but have finally dealt with the ending of a long-term relationship, its was hard but I'm at a stage where I've moved. I've recently erased the last part of that relationship by altering a tattoo I had that represented that bond. The inspiration behind that jesture came as a nice surprise to me. In the process of "getting over and moving on" I noticed some things, RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS! It takes a lot to step back and notice these things. I have been single for almost 2 yrs and counting. In this time I have vowed to figure out ME before I can put myself on someone else. I've learned a great deal about myself, for one "I'm such a guy", LOL. What I mean by that is I think much like a man. I understand much of the male thought process and why they do certain things. In turn I know how to move in a relationship shall I venture down that road again. (Will explain more in future blog) I also learned that being "Ms. Independent" is great but a turn off when your constantly reminding your partner you don't "need" them. It's cool to allow a man to be "King" as it is cool to be his "Queen" and follow his lead.

I wanted to find out why I kept failing at this aspect of life. Granted I don't regret any of my relationships for they have shaped me as a person but you never give up wanted that ultimate satisfying love with someone. I'm a Leo and we love attention and admiration but when we love we love HARD!
So in my process of evaluating my relationship patterns I went to my upbringing and the relationships I grew up around: My parents were not a good example either LOL. They were never married and marriage wasn't a big thing in my family. I can't say I know anyone that has been married for 20+ years happily hell for that matter 2+ years, LMAO. Marriage isn't for everyone but as a child/young adult that's what you see as being "a solid relationship". Once your older an experience life you realize "solid relationships" are as mixed/complex as the people that make up this world. Growing up you know you'd I will never be like my parents well wake up because you are in some way shape or form you are them part deux! I am a reflection of what I grew up around thinking it was normal because no one told me different. I used to say well my Dad does "this/that" so its ok if my mate does, not realizing some of those things weren't good. I'd watch how aggressive my Mom was with my Stepdad and think she was in control, not realizing he didn't fight back because he was picking his battles wisely.  I got a lot of DON'T DO advice but never any if you lead and represent yourself this way you will attract this type of person.

I was also was influenced by my peers growing up, as well as going through the stages of puppy love, being in love, loving and heartache. These things have shaped who I am as an adult in relationships. I have come to realize I am as broken as a scratched CD. In some cases it stalls me from moving forward, but I have CD cleaner to keep me open to the good things life brings my way.

I have dated males that I felt needed love(I know all men do but you know what I mean), in a sense the "underdog". The one who no one thought was worthy of what I had to offer. You know the one your friends say "why are you with him, what do you see in him, him really?". Thinking that if I gave them all the love I had that we would have a lasting love or simply I wanted to be a life line for them, thinking if I give my all they would love me "unconditionally", but I realize now that 2 broken people can't heal each other. Your self interpretaion has a great deal to do with who you date.

I've had relationships that lasted for years but it was more being comfortable with someone or content that these relationships continued, knowing they were not going to be long-term, just in the moment and taking it for what it is.

Then I was once engaged which I royally FUCKED UP, till this day it bothers me because I did wrong. But once again I was broken and until you fix something it will always casuse damage.

I then entered a relationship with a friend whom I've known for years and always kept dear to my heart to once again mess things up because I was broken. In this particular case we both were broken and the situation as to how we got together is a story of its own. But I loved this person dearly because I thought I knew his heart but he had some relationship patterns of his own. We thought we were the answer to one anothers history of failed relationships. When honestly we were just holding each other over. We both made mistakes that lead to more mistakes that hurt us both.

Now don't get me wrong I've had great times amongst these experiences but the end results made me want to check myself. If you can't check yourself you will never be able to open up to anyone else's critique of who you are. I don't mean others approval but often times others see what you don't.
From the ending of this last relationship I vowed to not go down this path and explore me and what I really want so that I don't repeat this again. I am being as honest with myself as God is with his love for me. Saying all that to say this: Do you think relationship patterns can be changed? If so why? If not why?

LOVE, OLD FLAMES, BETRAYL, & LIES ~ SHORT STORY

THIS IS THE FIRST SHORT STORY I WROTE(2007) BASED ON MY OWN EXPERIENCE, POETRY IS MORE MY FORTE BUT I WANT TO EXPAND MY SKILL. I KNOW IT NEEDS WORK SO I WANT YOUR HONEST OPINION!!!!!!! DON'T BE NICE CAUSE, I WANT THE
 T-R-U-T-H! THANKS.

Parental Supervision Advised - Strong Lanuage LOVE, FEELINGS, OLD FLAMES, BETRAYL & LIES Written By Lakisha M. Johnson aka MySoulOnPaper

Author's Note:

Just so you know this was a test to me to see if I could really do this. This is a partially true story based on an experience in my life that I am still currently dealing with on an emotional level. CRAZY. So sit back, enjoy and thanks for all the support I promise to keep it coming when it hits my brain.

                                                                        ~~~~~~~~
Have you ever seen someone for the first time and knew you had to have that person? Well this was the case for Lisa, when she saw Bryce it was like walking in the clouds. He was everything she thought she wanted and decided to pursue him. It was not a hard task because Bryce was her co-worker. It was Bryce’s first day on the job and he was getting the traditional tour of the company. Lisa was in shock of her feelings but she went with it. She was introduced to Bryce by the company president, since they were going to work in the same department they needed to know each other.

As time went on, Lisa got to know Bryce a little more and she decided to make her move. They had enough late nights working on cases and clients that they built a working relationship. So one night leaving the office with some other co-workers Lisa decided to go for it. As they started to separate to one another’s vehicle, they were parked close together. They always did so, so Lisa wouldn't walk to her car alone on those late nights. "Bryce can I ask you a question?" she said. "Sure" he responded. "Would it be ok if I asked for your number and wanted to know if we could go out sometime?" Lisa managed to get out. Bryce was a little shocked but happy because for weeks he was trying to figure out how to ask her out but didn't want to ruin their work relationship. "I'd like that" he responded. So they exchanged numbers and said goodnight and got in their cars to leave. When Lisa got home she was so happy that it all worked out and she didn't get turned down. Bryce was fine with a capital "F". He normally wasn't Lisa's type but she wanted to try something different and when she saw Bryce she knew he was it by the feeling she got looking at him. That feeling will get you every time and women we know how we respond to it.

Weeks and months went by and the relationship between Bryce and I was growing strong. We kept our relationship out of work and our work out of their relationship. This was a hard task to do but we made agreements on things and work was one of them. Things were getting serious and I was getting nervous. So she called a sister friend for some advice. "I'm just a little scared as to how my feelings are growing so fast for this man I don't know how to act", Lisa tells her friend Sharon. "Girl, just go with the flow if it feels good then what's the problem?" Sharon states. "There is no problem I just don't want to make the wrong move" says Lisa. "Well if you do and it all falls apart I'll be there to pick up the pieces with you, I got your back" shouts Sharon.

Bryce and I are in year 2 of our relationship and work has gotten us kind of bumping into each other. The firm is getting busy, which means the clients are pouring in. We are spending less time together and when we do we are too tired to do anything. Lisa feels the relationship is changing but she doesn't say anything. They are not arguing but the time apart is taking affect on them. They both just go about like nothing is wrong.

 I decided I need to hang with my sister friends to release some stress. So I go to my friend
Melanie's house, we order pizza and talk. After a few hours doing what women do best, talk. A little after midnight Jason comes home. Jason is Melanie's boyfriend. They have been dating for as long as I've known Melanie which is like forever. Along with Jason is his best buddy, Mark. We all know Mark as well from us growing up together. Both brothers were good looking but we were such good friends dating wasn't an option except for Melanie and Jason. We are talking, laughing and remember old times when Mark tried to ask me out when we were younger. We were laughing so hard some of us were crying. After all the chatter it was time to rap it up and go home. Mark rode wit Jason so he needed a lift and ironically I was closer to him so I offered. On the ride home we are still talking. As we near Marks' house he says, "Can I ask you a question Lisa?" I'm like "Sure why not". “If I gave you my number would you call me?" he said. If my expression didn't tell it all my mouth being wide open had to say something. He already had the number in my hand before I could respond. As I pull in front of his house he doesn't say a word he just gets out. I pull off like what the fuck was that that just happened.

Time passes and Bryce are I are just existing together so comfortable with each other but no one mentioning the state of our relationship. Its like if we are not arguing and we still love each other that nothing is wrong. But I'm feeling a void and since this is somewhat a new situation for me having a good relationship I'm not sure if expressing myself and what I feel are going to negatively affect my relationship wit Bryce, so I go on like its all good. In the meantime I'm kind of hiding from Mark because I have not called him or returned any of his calls. But damn if luck didn't catch up to me and I mean that in a funny way. I bump into Mark at the mall and he is like "Why haven't you called me or returned any of my calls?" All I could add was "I don't know". As I stand there with a dumb look on my face Mark is steady talking trying to get answers out of me. He asks if we can go get a bite to eat, I agree since my stomach was talking to my back. We sit down and I feel a little weird because I don't want him to think this is a date. "So you still haven't answered my question, why haven't you called me?" Mark states. All I could get out was "I wasn't sure how to respond to you. It came out of no where you asking me plus I'm in a relationship and you know this." Mark chimes in "I know this already and I'm not trying to take you away from Bryce I just want to get to know you a little better maybe there is room for me in your life. I just don't want to regret not trying."



Weeks go by; Mark and I are hanging out in between the time that Bryce and my schedules conflict. I'm not stupid Bryce has no clue because any man would get jealous and make it more than it is. I see Mark in a different light now that I'm truly getting to know him. I don't feel for him in that way but I have a newfound respect for him as far as his accomplishments and his personality. We are alike in a lot of ways but different at the same time which in a sense we compliment each other plus he is the type I would normally date but I wanted someone different and Bryce fit that perfectly. Bryce and I are different in many ways as far as family upbringing and childhood but our differences make us one. Since we have been having a small problem in our relationship connecting fully I've noticed that our differences are affecting our growth. Hanging with Mark may not have been the smartest thing but I just needed another outlet and sometimes sister friends can't help.

In order for Bryce and me to give our relationship some refreshment we decide to go away on a mini vacation. So we plan a weekend trip to a bed & breakfast. As we lay in our bed just taking in the day we spent together with no worries on our mind. No work, friends, family or the traffic of the city. Bryce says "Honey do you think its time that we take our relationship further? I love you and I want to continue being happy with you". I wasn't sure what to say; yes I loved Bryce and was very happy with him but didn't really think about going further. I guess with a stressful job I was just happy having someone to curl up with on my day off you know. "I agree" is all I could say because I wasn't sure where this was going. Before I could blink my eyes twice Bryce was already on one knee. "I'm going to keep this simple because I believe we are on the same path but I want us to ride it together. Will you marry me Lisa?" He says. My eyes swell up in amazement because I damn sure didn't see that coming. For a good 5 minutes I didn't say anything I didn't want to leave a brother hanging but he caught me so off guard. My mind was spinning in many directions but no wasn't in my thoughts at all. I did love the man, he made me happy and I could see this happening. "Yes, Yes, Yes I will marry you Bryce Jerome Hamilton" I sing.

Fast forward a couple of months, since the engagement and the announcement things kind of stalled a little bit. Work became more work as we were winning cases the workload got bigger from more and more clients. It didn't help that we were a black owned firm either. You know our people come out when they need a defense or to get rich off a claim especially when you have a reputation like Johnny Cochran. We hadn't really set a date because we were too busy setting dates to see each other. All the while I was still hanging with Mark less but more than being with Bryce. We decided to move in a few months before the wedding once we had time to shop for a house and set a date. So on one of my gracious off days Mark stopped by to check on me since I've been kind of working from home a little bit. I was a little tired and hungry but too tired to cook and here he comes with food in hand. Good timing is what I call it but that can also be bad. "Hey Mark what's going on, you must have heard my stomach a block away because I am truly hungry" I told him. “I figured you were since you were locked up in here like a slave working hard on these cases that you can’t even feed yourself" He states. As I take a break and we eat and chat I look at Mark in a whole other light not sure where it came from but I looked at him in a way I never did. "He looks good in his cargo shorts and polo shirt" I say to myself. He's talking but I'm checking him out. Maybe my hormones were in need of some attention but I stopped because it was going to lead no where fast.

I snapped out of my wonderland and caught the end of Mark's sentence ".........can I have some". "What" I said. "You know I'm engaged" I stated. "Excuse me Lisa, what are you talking about?" Mark says with a confused look on his face. "I'm sorry I thought you meant something else" I said laughing because I was embarrassed at my comment. "I knew you wanted me all along you were just too scared to say it. I respect that fact that you are being loyal in your relationship but the heart never lies" Mark says. I'm at a lost for words on that statement because it is so true but I think now is a time better then any to rap up this little meal break before it goes south. So without being rude I tell Mark that I need to get back to work and I thank him for the food and company. We both get up so I can walk him to the door. As he walks out the door Mark turns around, I can't say if it was planned or maybe I was just walking to close to him but when we were face to face it was very little space between us if you know what I mean. In that moment things changed we were eye to eye. A breath away from each other and it just happened. Mark kissed me with so much passion I was breathless. Seconds in I pushed him away and out so I could close the door. I just slide to the floor in amazement as to what just happened. What do I do? What about Bryce? What am I going to do? Damn, damn, damn is all I could say to myself.

Still with no date set things were starting to change between Bryce and myself. I couldn't put my finger on it but I kept telling myself it had nothing to do with the kiss. Since the kiss I've kept my distance from Mark but he was on my mind a lot. So one day I call to invite him over so I could clear the air because I loved Bryce and wasn't going to lose him for some bullshit. Not that Mark wasn't a good guy but in another life it could be possible. Mark arrived about 6 that evening and I opened the door to his fine ass in a chocolate Steve Harvey suit with eggshell pinstripes and everything else in place. He had to just be leaving his office downtown and been on his way home when I called so he got there pretty quick. I was trying to get my mind off of how good he looked and how that suit complimented him and not the other way around. I told him to come in and before I knew it I grabbed his hand and pulled him close to me and kissed him as passionate as he did me before. I used to hear the saying it just happened and thought it was bullshit but now being in those shoes I can understand. I don't know what it was but my body took over my mind and my heart took control. "Mark I don't know what's happening but I'm not sure I want to know or go any further with this so just bare with me. I love Bryce and I'm confused as to what is happening with us if anything at all. Don't ask anything of me or question what this is because it could be nothing it could be something" I tell him. "I can't promise you anything but I will follow your lead and if that goes in my favor I'll be elated but if not I'll step back and attend your wedding in peace" Mark shoots back at me.

As I have Mark up against the wall going for mines and just being in the moment he pulls away and says "As bad as I want you I want you to know that I love you, always have and always will, this may complicate things more but I think we have already done that. Don't think about me saying it because it will take away from everything just know that I do." And with that we proceeded to make love like a military couple after a long tour. Mark did things that I forgot were possible and was so in tuned with what I wanted and felt. He savored every moment as if he knew this could possibly be the only time this would happen. Anyone in this moment knows that if you’re in a relationship your partner is the last person on your mind until the act is over because pleasure prevails.

When I woke up, yes you heard me, when I woke up I rolled over and Mark was already gone. There was a note on my dresser. It read, Lisa last night was something out of a dream and I want to keep it there. Love Mark.



For the next couple of weeks I tried to move on and get back into my life but Mark was always on my mind. We hadn't hooked up after that night but were in each others company with other friends. Bryce and I had finally picked a date and were going full force with the planning. He was so happy I was going to be his wife. I was happy but my heart ached a little for what I had done to him and the way it made me feel because he did not deserve it. He was the best man a woman could ask for I just possibly was not ready for him at this point in my life. I sometimes felt like something was missing. Since we were from two different places that was always something that put us as being so opposite. We decided on August 8th as the big day. We both loved the summer and it was perfect for us. Our case load would be down a little bit and we could actually take a honeymoon. That gave me 8 months to get it all together.



As an effort to get my relationship on the 100% track I spent as much time with Bryce as possible getting to know things that we might have overlooked early on in our relationship. One night we were staying in with Chinese at his place and we were talking about love and being friends. "Lisa I just want you to know that above all else you are my best friend and I don't ever want to be without that" He says. What do you say to a man who can melt your heart with words? "Bryce I want you to know that I love you with my all but sometimes I struggle with us being so opposite and how that will work or not work for us. I get scared sometimes as to if I am really ready to take this step. I don't want you to think I love you any less but I'm just concerned." I tell him. "Lisa don't worry about it you are just feeling the pressure of everything. I know you love me and want to be with me. I also know you are my foundation and you always have my back I can't ask for anything more in a woman. Just listen to your heart and it will be fine." He tells me. Maybe he is just so in love that he doesn't see what I see or maybe I am just nervous. We rap things up and decide to go to bed we have an early morning.



After a long day in court I can't wait to get home to rest and free my mind of all this day has put me through. Bryce is out of town on business and I am feeling lonely because I have no one who I can let my stresses out that will truly understand. I get home and decide to take a long bath and just relax. Just when I think the night is going as I planned the doorbell rings. I open the door and to my amazement it is Mark standing there with his fine ass as usual. I tell him to come in and direct him to the living room. I am confused as to why he is here because we haven't been speaking that much ever since the night of passion. "Lisa I'm sorry to be here without calling and all but I just had to see you. I'm thinking to myself this fool is crazy I thought things were going fine but boy was I sadly mistaken.

Mark was a weakness I had to get over FAST. I look at him confused because I thought we had an understanding. We sit down and he starts by telling me he can't stop thinking about me and what I mean to him. How he can't let me marry Bryce knowing how he feels. Whoa whoa I think to myself pump your brakes I didn't sign up for all this but this is where everything changes. I admit I did have feelings for Mark how strong they were I wasn't sure. I wasn't thinking long term at all. Mark had so much sincerity in his eyes when he spoke to me and once again I melted. He leaned in and it was all over from there. We were on the floor in 10 seconds flat. Clothes off and skin to skin about to start a fire. Mark states "I love you Lisa and I can't lose you by just sitting back and watch you marry someone else I know what we discussed but I'm in love with you." With that said he kisses me with so much fire I felt as if the sun was on my lips. If my house wasn't so far up on the hill I believe my neighbors would have called the cops thinking I was getting killed in here I was moaning and screaming so loud. We climaxed at the same time and I was hooked from there. I could not let this end. Mark was everything Bryce wasn't or so I thought at the time. We both fell asleep in front of the fireplace in each others arms.



It’s already May and a few months to the wedding. Mark and I have been hooking up in between the time with me and Bryce. It has been so much stress on me I don't know what to do. Love and lust are so powerful when put together. One night Mark and I hooked up it was steamy as usual and I was so into it I didn't hear the key in the door or for that matter the door open. I didn't realize Bryce was in the room until Mark flipped me over to be on top. The look in his eyes was just of total disbelief and hurt. The hurt stood out more than anything and at that moment is where I felt like total shit. He didn't say a word he just left the room and left the house. I looked at Mark and I jumped up like he was a stranger in my home. I put on my robe to see if I could catch Bryce but all I saw was an empty house. Mark got up to follow me and just stood there and watched my every move scared to speak or touch me. I just looked at him like damn this is not going to be good. I just fell to the floor holding myself because I just hurt someone I truly do love with a man I have feelings for. Mark still in the same spot was still unsure of what to say. He finally decided to get dressed and leave because there was nothing he could do or say to make this situation any better or worse for that matter. Hours passed and I realized I was still in the same spot. It was 7am my time to get up and get ready for work. I knew I had a light load today at work that my assistant could handle so I called the firm and told them I wasn't feeling well that it was something I ate at dinner. I then went to shower and throw on some sweats and a tank. All I could think about was what I do next. Do I call Bryce or wait until he calls me. Before I could answer that questions Bryce was in the living room. Once again I didn't hear him but this time was because I was just not all there. He put his hand out for me to take it and I was hesitant. He led me to the couch where we sat down. "Lisa I just want to start by saying that I love you the same as I did yesterday. When I walked in here last night and saw what I saw I just knew I was dreaming. All I can say now is that right now it does not change how I feel for you because it just doesn't go away that easily. I want to hear your side and how this all started and then I will let you know where I stand." Bryce tells me. I look at him like is he crazy or something. He has to be and this is just a set up. But I go on to tell Bryce how I felt about our relationship and all of my fears about it.

I tell him how things first started with Mark and how I let the weak points of our relationship make decisions for my dealings with Mark. I also tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am for being weak and hurting him the way I did. After all I said I was taken back by Bryce's response "I can say that I have some understanding as to what you did. I don't think I would have made the same decisions as you but I can understand. I want us to move forward and still get married just start on working on our problems. Some which I didn't even realize we had. Lisa I love you and have never been so clear on my feelings about a woman in my life. It is going to be a process getting over this but you have to bear with me. If it ever becomes too much I will let you know and we can take it from there but I still want you to be my wife". He says. At that moment I start crying because I thought all was lost. We embrace and just sit there on the couch.



Fast forward, to August 7th the day before the wedding. I have not spoken to Mark since that night and I know it is for the best because he would just complicate things more. Bryce and I have been doing well, there have been some moments but it’s to be expected. For the last 2 days Bryce and I have been separated until our wedding day just to give it that true first time wedding day look. I'm hanging out with the girls for a little fun but at about 12:30 we rap it up because I want to be well rested for tomorrow and not have a hangover.

Today is the big day and I'm all ready to make that step with the man of my dreams. Everything looks beautiful and going as planned. I'm nervous but that is normal. I have not spoken to Bryce in 2 days and I am so anxious to see him and get this day over with so I can become his wife. I am running behind schedule of course I don't know any wedding that I've been to that has started on time. I am finally finished with getting ready and all the girls are looking beautiful. There is a knock on the door. Jasmine opens it and soon after hands me a note. It’s from Bryce. I figure it’s a love note since we have not spoken in 2 days. I am excited about reading it so I tear it open. It reads:



Dear Lisa,

I know I said I would still marry you but after heavy thought I am so sad to say I can't. I have been struggling with my feelings since that night and thought I could handle this but I am so sad to say I can't. I am also sorry that I didn't stop it before this day but I have had time to think about things in the last 2 days. I want you to know I love you and always will but my feelings have changed since that day. I see you differently and I can't get that old feeling back. I'm sure you can understand. I have already told everyone to leave so you don't have to explain anything to anyone. I'm sorry Lisa as I know you are. I love you.

Bryce



I just folded the paper and started crying somewhere deep down I knew it was too good to be true but I fucked up. One bad decision and heartache will follow.



©2007
SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER

SLEEP

I sleep but I'm always awake

my dreams tell me things my reality can't take

any pain and harm I am supposed to feel

its taken care of in my dreams like its no big deal

my dreams protect me because my reality is so fragile

therefore you can't take an inch and turn it into a mile

we all need protection from something or someone at all times

your feelings are just as precious as mines

I sleep but I am always awake

my nightmares tell me things that my reality can't take

you appear in them every night

I toss and turn I try to fight

you destroy me all the time in my mental

because you don't understand what I've been through

Its all a game to you

you've never acknowledged how you've broken me down

you've changed my world and everything I surround

You've showed me fear, helplessness, death and complete violation

how could you possibly tell me its all in my imagination

I sleep but I'm always awake

my dreams tell me things that my reality can't take


SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™
©2008

PUBLISHED IN ENJOY LIFE MAGAZINE(ENJOYLIFEMAGAZINEONLINE.COM/POETSPAD)

EMOTIONS

Fighting thoughts of rage and hopelessness

Going deeper into the darkness because I can't resist

Mind cloudy, Heart broken, Eyes blank, Face without expression

Sense of self lost, isolated and stressing

Always at the brink but never going over

You say its not real, shake it off giving the cold shoulder

Distance and silence like a bridge never connecting

Screaming for help

Getting no reception

Bond broken relationship ended

Space needed

Time passes

New beginning


©2009
SOUL~MYSOULONPAPER™