Monday, April 5, 2010


These 2 terms have been sitting on my mind for awhile and I clearly feel there is a difference. Speaking from my own life & experience I have become more aware of what these 2 terms mean for me. I have 3 children by 2 men and both experiences are total opposites from the relationship on down to how I deal with both men.

Women are so quick to say “oh that’s just my baby daddy” or jokingly call the man they share a child with “my baby daddy”. As far as I’m concerned that is an insult to a MAN who plays his role as a FATHER. Words are so much more than sounds. There are times it’s not how you say it but what you say that’s important. We have all used the “baby daddy” term in some way shape or fashion but I want to give a different outlook and maybe it will change how people go forward using this term. As a mother of daughters I want to show them that having a “baby daddy” can happen even if you start out with a “father of your child” but the ultimate goal is to be able to choose the right type for the long term.

As women we can tell the difference between the 2 off top, that little thing called “intuition” we don’t listen to as often as we should is a clear indicator. We too often feel “WE CAN CHANGE HIM” and fall victim to the BS. I knew I didn’t want to have children with my ‘baby daddy” so I took the necessary steps not to but life had its own plan for me and looking back my experience will help someone now. I know most times it doesn't happen that way, we date or get married, have kids with a man and then see who they truly are as far as being a parent. Men change as well as women when kids are involved that's life but if my story helps anyone it will help you to be more observant of who you wish to share this experience with.

At 17, I was messing around with an older guy, no relationship title at least from my stand point we were “talking” as we used to say back in the day. In my mind I was just having fun it was no harm no big deal. I got pregnant and man was it a learning experience for my ass! I took precautions to not get pregnant but we all know they aren’t 100% guaranteed! I had no expectations of what his role would be or if he would play one considering our situation. Looking back I’m amazed at how mature I was emotionally. Fast forward to child being present, for the first year he was the best father in all aspects. He took financial responsibility completely, I wanted for nothing concerning our child. He spent quality time with her, he was the proud father. Only difference was we were not involved at least in my eyes but I learned some men have a “control” thing with them. They feel if they have child with you they “own” you or they’re “obligated” to your life. What I mean is they are all in your business: who you hang with, what man you’re dating, what you wear, why is this person around their child, etc. Since I was younger he felt that “control” would keep me at bay so he could always “get in where he fit in” but he didn’t realize who he was dealing with. Even at that age my “I don’t give a fuck” attitude was high. After a year he became my baby daddy. Everything else became more important than she did. I saw that because I wasn’t giving him attention he was not interested in just being her father. With a baby daddy you have to ask them to “watch” your child if you need to go out or take care of important business. Until he moved on from that he was just a “dude I had a kid with”.

Thus crowning him my baby daddy! You know the type whenever you see them they have to make a scene. Have to keep their ego going. They’re always wearing their emotions on their sleeve. Happy to see you especially if you’re looking good not concerned with the child you guys had together. Always asking “How are YOU doing?” when they see you then asking about the kid. They’re always concerned with your relationship status. Whenever you call concerning the child they want to take the conversation left. They are always in and out of your child’s life. They always seem to be present when you’re single but very distant when you have a mate. They always have something smart or bad to say about your mate but you can’t comment on their “broad of the week”. More times than not he is concerned with YOU before he is about the kid. I could go on and on about this!

Till this day he is my baby daddy and I deal with him accordingly. Our child is 14 now and he still lights up like a Christmas tree if I call him or we see each other. When I became single he still thought he had a chance, MAN PLEASE! He has no real relationship with our child nor does he supply for her. It’s his loss. I don’t dwell on it; I explained to my child his actions and also let her make her own decisions concerning him.

I have 2 children with another man I deem “father of my children”; largely because he was a man about our situation. We are not together but as a man he is more concerned about his children. He is concerned with me only in the aspect of if I’m not good I cannot be good for our children. He is not concerned with whom or if I’m dating solely because he knows I will not bring just anybody around our children. His priority is us having a great relationship for our children. Granted we are human and we have our times where I want to smack the hell out of him and he keeps his distance because he misses his family/our relationship but we jump that hurdle every time it is present. The overall goal is accomplished. Our situation is unique so what most would want I don’t care about, what I’m getting benefits my children more emotionally.

First off I planned to have children with this man. Yes people still plan to have children! It’s not common but it happens. He was my partner, we had a relationship. We established what we would do as parents. He played his role well, granted we are no longer together but he plays his role as best he can due to distance playing interference. I knew this man for 13 years prior to dating him and taking it to the next level so we knew fairly a lot about each other. Ironically he was the one friend I confided in about life altering events in my life. He was much more than a friend to me over the years but we never took it there until we got older. A life altering event brought us together and we blossomed from there. He was there every day nurturing our children. He was there when both were born and we made and still make every decision together concerning our children. We decide on everything from healthcare to religion and everything in between. When we were together I never had to ask; he saw, and he did. It was to the point the kids asked Daddy for everything. He made breakfast, washed clothes, cooked dinner, took the kids on outings all the time and just played with them. He took pride in his role as the father. Granted our relationship didn’t work and for a little while it was hard to be a father but he didn’t let that prevent him from doing so.

As I said distance runs interference, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to play his role as their father. As adults you have to sacrifice and make decisions that are the hardest sometimes, as a parent its double sometimes triple the sacrifice. At times certain circumstances limit those decisions but you work with it as best you can. I’m one place because its best for our children and he’s one place because it’s best for him. I don’t see it as being selfish but since we are not together relationship wise things had and have to be adjusted. Our current situation affects our children but as parents and adults you try as best you can to lessen that affect.

Also another huge difference from my 2 men are my "baby daddy" was raised by a single woman and never had any dealings with his father and the "father of my children" had a relationship with his father from day one. Past always plays a role in the present as well as the environment you were brought up in. There are exceptions to these rules but I'm just speaking of my experiences.

In saying all of that I hope my words have inspired and my experience has helped someone.


  1. This is me....! I have a "baby daddy" just ignorant & bitter (STILL) and I married the father of my two smaller children.